I'm out for a jog at one of my favorite places to go running; Smithville Park in Eastampton. I'm on a wide, level, gravel running path that meanders through several square miles of hushed woodlands. It's a beautiful evening in September; clear and fresh, with just a hint of fall in the air. The sunset is spectacular: half the sky is aflame with burning orange-and-pink clouds, while the other half is that cool, clear, deep blue one encounters only when the sun is departing to the west. I'm jogging along, my feet scrunching in the gravel, the clean wind through my hair, surrounded by nature, alone with my thoughts....and I'm absolutely miserable.
Yeah, you heard (read?) me right. I'm miserable. I'm a wreck. I'm a gasping, heaving, lurching mess of body parts flailing along the pathway at an embarassingly slow pace, sucking oxygen out of the air like a fish out of water, wishing I could just kill myself to stop the pain. Why? Well, to put it bluntly, I'm a shitty runner. Personally, I blame genetics. I inherited my mother's build, most of her skill sets, and her tendancy to curse like a trucker. I also belive that I inherited her running ability - or, should I say, lack thereof. She's a crappy runner. Her mother was a crappy runner. Her mother's mother was a crappy runner. Okay, I'm exaggerating a bit, but you get the point. Hey, we're Italian - Italians don't run. We eat and drink and seduce each other. 
So why do I do it? Why do I keep running when I'm obviously an embarassment to the sport (not to mention myself)? Well, frankly, I've never sucked at anything so badly in my life. At least, I've never sucked so bad at anything I actually wanted to be good at. I guess it's that stubborn capricorn in me. I see people running all the time. They seem fit. They seem happy. Importantly, they seem to be taking in enough oxygen to prevent them from passing out. I want that. I'm so jealous of that, I'm practically green with envy. So I keep strategizing my approach, trying to find a way to beat my genetics, as well as my penchant for laziness. So far, the following strategies have decidedly not worked:
Jogging slowly
I thought that if I could find a pace that would allow me to jog and at the same time do this breathing thing that everybody seems to be into lately (who knew oxygen could be so...vital?), I'd naturally be able to increase my speed and distance over time. This didn't work. Apparently I CAN'T find a pace that would be classified as a "jog" that prevents me from turning red, blue, or one of any other alarming colors. Maybe I should be a speedwalker?
Ignoring the pain
No good. Turns out pain can't be ignored. Period. My internal dialogue went something like this: "okay, everything is fine. I'm running. I'm okay......NO I'M NOT OKAY THIS FREAKING HURTS....no, no, everything is fine. See how beautiful it is outside? Isn't' it great to be out in the fresh air?....FUCK THIS! I CAN'T BREATHE AND MY LEGS HURT AND MY HEART IS POUNDING. OHMYGOD I THINK I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK!!!....okay, I'm ignoring you and focusing on how great it feels to be exercising and clearing my head and...I'M DYING! I'M DYING! CALL 911! THIS IS INSANE! MUST....STOP...IMMEDIATELY..."
Yeah...epic fail.
Embracing the pain
When I couldn't ignore the pain, I tried welcoming it, like one of those sadist freaks, or people who listen to Barbara Streisand. I faced down my run like boxers do in the ring. I stared at the path and put on my most menacing face. "Bring it on," I thought. "Bring on the pain." And then I started to run. My legs started to ache and I laughed it off. My lungs started to burn and I smiled. I was wheezing and panting and the whole time I was thinking "More...MORE PAIN." Finally, when I couldn't take any more, I stopped. Problem was, I stopped about 50 yards from where I started. Guess my threshold for pain is low. Bummer.
So here I am, back at square one. I still suck at running, and I now have several near-death experiences under my belt. Maybe this is the end of the road for me. Maybe I should just pack it in and stick to things I'm good at (like eating, drinking, and seducing people). But do I really want to go to my grave wondering what would have been? Do I really want to have my grandchildren at my feet, listening to tales of "when i was young, I was ALMOST a runner"? Well, first of all, I hope I have more interesting stories for my grandkids. Second of all, NO, that's NOT what I want!
Anybody have any advice on how to run without simultaneously passing out and throwing up? Can anybody help a brotha out?!?!
I'm going to meditate on this dilemma and see what I can come up with.
And if that doesn't work....maybe I'll try crack.
5 comments:
Woman, it sounds like running is just not for you. Like giving up sugar and living healthfully is not for me.
I'm still concerned with this 'seducing each other' in reference to your family's strengths. I am disturbed. But well, I ... I think I love you, too. I miss you.
Martha,
I meant ITALIANS seduce each other - not my family. EEW! But I edited the blog post to make it more clear.
Gross...get your mind out of the gutter. :-)
hugs and kisses,
Lily "Incest is Bestest" Simmons
While the whole post was wonderfully entertaining, I think I might be able to help a bit...
The way to start running, is really not to run at all - You have to start with a whole run/walk combo thingy - as outlined here: http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml
If you do an interval program, I PROMISE you'll get there! That, along with some handy breathing and form tips and you should be crossing the finish line in no time. I'm doing the program right now, so if you want, we can meet up and run together if you're up for trying again :)
Hmmm. I'm more into unconventional methods. My favorite is to run at night. The slight danger of being run over or tripping on tree roots makes you light on your feet. Drivers are sometimes alarmed, but it is worth it. I once ran 5 miles -- without stopping -- at night. The only drawback is spiderwebs in the warmer months, which can usually be avoided by running in the street. Another fun thing is to intersperse your running with other things, such as flying leaps or double axle attempts. I never do this, but I think you should.
Post a Comment