My In-laws want grandchildren. They've made this perfectly clear through subtle little hints. Their plans to retire to Altoona, PA seem to have come to a screeching halt; they've suddenly subsided working on the house with intent to sell. They sit and wait, and watch to see if I'll choose a beer or a soda.
Brian's coworkers want him to have children. I'm not sure what the deal with that is, but they barrage him with questions every day. Maybe they want him to be as miserable as they are? Or maybe they just see him as a great potential father (much like we all do).
My coworkers, when I had them, started asking about children the minute I announced I was engaged, and continued to ask until the day I left. I think it's just "what you do" in an office environment. I don't blame them - the corporate 9-5 lifestyle is so prescribed, so predetermined, they practically flinch when you do something outside the norm, like stop eating meat, or wear black shoes with brown pants. Babies are the norm. When are you going to have one?
My mother wants a grandkid. She doesn't say a thing, other than to offer moral support as I go through this trial, but I know her heart, and it aches for the both of us. She just wants to retire and help raise the kid. Maybe putter around the yard a little. It would be lovely.
I had another negative pregnancy test yesterday. The labcoat....the elevator music...the extreme emotional turmoil...it was all for nothing. Conditions were about as optimal as they can get, and nothing happened. I'm at a loss. I want answers. I want to shake my doctor and tell him to figure out what's wrong with us and FIX IT ALREADY. But I can't, because I know he's doing his best, and sometimes our bodies just want to keep secrets.
Today is a hard day. I have to deal with the knowledge that a baby might not happen. I have to deal with the knowledge that I may never be a biological mother. That Brian and I may never be able to make something that is pure "us."
I know that it could be much worse - that people are dealing with much more terrible things than I.
But today?
I've lost hope.
And for me, that's about as bad as it gets.
7 comments:
Well, that answers that question. If it helps, you can blame me. I screwed up the injection. But whatever you do, DON'T blame yourself. And DON'T lose hope. Try again. And again. Consider other options. If anything, at least the child(ren) will know that it(they) were wanted. Your kid, whether it's biologically your blood or not, will grow up knowing that their Mommy and Daddy wanted them so badly they were willing to go to the ends of the earth to have them. Most of all, you have a huge support network behind you and we'll all be here to help you every step of the way. Lean on us... Carrie? Emily? Get I get an amen?
I'm sorry. I know exactly how you feel. And the urge to shake the doctor is much appreciated from someone like me. I think you should go ahead and shake them the next time you see them. It'll make you feel better for 10 seconds...and that's 10 seconds you didn't have before.
You're going to be a terrific mother one day. It's going to happen for you one way or another. And all this time will have seen worthwhile.
That's what I keep telling myself, because it has to be true.
We're here for you to lean on.
Lily, I feel for you! I have a couple of friends who have blogs about infertility and they are a great support system. I am sending them to you because they are AMAZING women and I think you will love them!
Oh, Lily--
Don't lose hope. Can't lose hope. All you can do is shut out the noise of the outside world, the pressures, the questions, the watching for beer or soda, and just keep on hoping.
First I wanna say I had this beautiful, longass comment and lost the whole farkin' thing. I'm so ready to throw this damn thing out the window right now.
So....I know I won't be able to repeat the whole thing but I'll try.... More than one person has sent me your way today. You have a lot of people that care for you and what you are going through. My husband and I struggled with infertility for 5 years. It may not be a popular way of dealing with things but I say take your down time. For me it was important to process through feeling negative as long as you remember to look up....there is hope. There were times when the pep talk was NOT what I needed at the time.
I've been where you are right now...as someone who had just about every freakin' issue a chick could have, I understand the frustration, the hurt, the longing...I would love to be a support for you. Need to vent? Share fears? Need a distraction? It would do my heart good to know that my struggles helped someone else...yeah..cause this is all about me...teehee...that's not how I meant it :o)
I know how hard...SO HARD it is to answer questions from others about when, how many, why or even if you want to have children and wondering how the hell you will find the breath to answer their questions when your heart has shattered and bled out through your tears with the last negative pregnancy test......I wanted to throat chop people and some days I didn't even want to get out of bed.
As well meaning and caring as others are, I would encourage you to seek some support from fellow infertiles...it really takes someone who has been through it to understand where you're coming from. that's not to say that the support of others isn't important because it is....
I just wanted you to know that there is hope...I'm here if you want to email me.... I'm happy to share the ins and outs of my struggle if you'd like...or I can just listen!
thinking of you.....
Daffy
batcrapcrazyblog at gmail.com
Lily, when I picture you, I see a strong, willful and ass kicking ninja...er, I mean woman. You are bright and funny and courageous and that is just what I know from reading you. So I don't believe for a second that this will get you down - not for long anyways. Have a good hard cry and then get back on your horse. Impossible is not in your vocabulary! On the other side of all this struggle and pain lies your joy. Trust that.
AMEN, sisters and brothers. You go girl. Just keep on goin.
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