Chuck Norris, A Kangaroo, And A Jailhouse Romance

You know how when you have no money in your bank account it's like pulling teeth to check it online? Because looking at it will only fill you with suicidal thoughts and stomach bile?

That's kind of how it's gotten with this blog. Because I used to write 5 days a week but now it's all "oh man, it's Tuesday again. That means a week has gone by and I haven't blogged. Better try to be creative."

So I take a deep breath and try to fill my head with creative thoughts, but instead I start thinking about the partially-filled easter basket sitting on my counter and I'm all, "hmmm I bet chocolate would help me blog." So I mosey on over and help myself to some sugary goodness, and by the time I've finished , I've completely forgotten what I was about to do because we all know I have extremely-early-onset Alzheimer's (or so says the half-eaten sandwich that I started eating two days ago and forgot to finish - no lie).

It's just that I'm working.

Alot.

And I guess I could work a little less and make time for blogging, but the truth of the matter is I LIKE MONEY.

Alot.

And it doesn't help that I have to hand over 1/3 of everything I make to Uncle Sam, which I think is pretty bogus because hey, I'm the one doing the work while he sits around with his feet up drinking Pina Coladas and "waging a war on terrorism" (which is actually a code for running over to the neighbor's house, ringing the door, punching them in the face, and stealing their kid's bike).

So he's all,

"Yo, man, hand over yo' cash"

And I'm all,

"Naaah, man, it's mine. Get your own"

And he's all,

"Gimme yo' cash or Imma put you in jail, beeyatch"

And I'm all,

"Damn, that's cold, man. That's cold."

And he's all,

"That's what yo' mom said last night"

And I'm all,

"That doesn't even make any sense....STUPID"

And then he takes my money and roundhouse kicks me in the neck just for fun.

It sucks.

But I'd rather hand over a third of my paycheck than get violated by "Big Agnes," so I guess in the end, everybody wins.

...Except for Big Agnes.

Because with this face?

I bet I'd make a pretty sweet jailhouse bitch.