Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Justice (or lack thereof)

The IVF didn't work.

I wasn't going to blog about it either way, but I don't know what else to do. My heart is breaking over and over again, and I'm hoping that writing might help ease the pain.
Nothing else seems to make it better...everything around me reminds me of how I am not now and will most likely never be a biological mother.

Where is the justice in life?
Where is all that Karma?
Where is God or Allah or Buddah?
Who, up there, is deciding that I'm not cut out for motherhood?

Who is labeling me as an infertile, despite the fact that I've spent my whole life eating right and exercising and taking care of myself, both physically and emotionally? Despite the fact that I struggled my way out of a horrible, abusive marriage and managed to rebuild my life from scratch? Despite the fact that all I'm trying to do is carve out a little niche of happiness with my soul mate and best friend?

Who up there is letting lousy people in lousy marriages reproduce like rabbits while Brian and I, two people full of love...who are trying to have a baby for all the right reasons...get negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test?

For the love of god, WHO IS RUNNING THE SHOW UP THERE?!? Because if there is anyone...anyone...out there who has EARNED their right to a family...it's Brian and me.

Fuck.
FUCK.


This blog used to be a happy place. Well, at least a sarcastic and funny place, if not a little disgruntled.
And I'm hoping that this blog will one day be a happy place again (hopefully with a little less disgruntlement and a little more genuine cheer).

But for now, this blog is about as empty and hopeless as my soul. I'm writing only for me ...to keep myself from going mad...to maybe pull myself away from the edge, if only just an inch or two. I'm using it as a crutch, to give me strength where there is none. To give me the peace that I have yet to find.

I've encountered a lot of obstacles in my life, but this one might be the biggest.
Please, God, or Allah, or Karma or whoever, help me to climb it.
Because I stumbled 4 days ago and I have yet to get up.

8 comments:

Travis said...

I don't even know you. But I love you, and I'm continuing to pray for you guys. Stay strong darlin.

Alicia said...

I want you to know I understand the pain of negative pregnancy test. We have been married for seven years and I have yet to see anything but negative on that dreaded piece of plastic and felt. I have come to terms in the past few months that I will probably never hear my baby's heartbeat for the first time, bring home sonagram pictures, or feel them kick. It's sad to think about now but I know that I WILL be a mom soon, another way. I know right now you feel that nothing can replace that but I believe God saves the best parents to repair the lives of children that have been so mistreated. Don't give up on your dream, stay strong, and I will say a prayer for you and your husband.

Kim said...

I'm so sorry. I was really hoping that this was your cycle. I know how it feels...it sucks big time. Take some time for yourself and do WHATEVER you want...even if that's just to cry.

The Trout Underground said...

My wife and I went through all this and more (you haven't lived until you've gotten to the "more").

It mostly sucks and it's completely dehumanizing and yes - fairness is a concept wholly unknown in nature.

Still, you don't give up, though ultimately we did, and I'm glad.

My daughter - who was given up at five months because she was slowly starving to death - couldn't be any happier, energetic or more rewarding if we'd made her ourselves.

I'm not going to feed you that rubbish about this being part of somebody's larger plan and all, but sometimes you get lucky and it all works out anyway.

Good luck.

Mr. Apron said...

I know you don't want platitudes or I'm sorries or I knows.

I'm sad and angry with you.

anya said...

I wish I had a great joke for you right now - laughter really is the best vacation.

I don't know what the right thing to say is. But I do want to remind you that you have been in a horrible situation before, and at that time you probably felt similar hopelessness. And then, life turned around and you got Brian...who is more incredible than you ever dreamed. Hold on a little longer kiddo - the sun always rises after the darkest part of night. xo

PorkStar said...

I haven't heard you so upset in the time that i've been reading your blog and your pain is very palpable. Not sure what to say in times like this other than to offer support, ear and comments as well. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel, I'm sure of it Lilly, and you both will be the happiest ever when this happens. It will happen, you guys deserve it.

etoile said...

I believe in prayer, stranger, and I shall say a little one for you.
(check out my latest on prayer... definately not comparible, but possibly a piece of hope)