Lessons Learned During A Blizzard

If you live in the Mid-Atlantic region, you might have noticed a little bit of snow outside your window today.

I certainly did.

Not that I'm complaining.
If it's going to be winter, Mother Nature might as well throw down and snow like a muh-fuckah instead of handing out that sleety crap that we usually get in NJ (complete with irate NJ drivers who igonore said sleety crap and drive 90 mph to get to work on time).

But on the downside, not only do NJ firefighters NOT get snowdays...they actually have to work overtime, which would explain why I haven't seen the hubs since 6:00 this morning and won't seem him until late tomorrow night.

Oh baby, it's cold outside.

Luckily, this pity party, like ANY good pity party, comes with a glass (or four) of merlot, and I am indeed in rare form tonight.

So let's commence with the bulleted lists, shall we?

Allow me to present to you, Lessons Learned During A Blizzard:


1. I don't care what kind of snowblower you have; I win.

It's true. Go ahead - tell me what kind of big mamba-jamba snowblower you have. Talk to me about your RPMs. Brag about your diesel engine. I will raise my eyebrows in feigned defeat, until I throw down the hand that always...ALWAYS...wins the pot:
We clear our driveway with a front-end loader.
Of course, I mean "we" in the Editorial sense, as it is actually my awesome neighbor who owns and operates the front-end loader. But still - I win. And that's all that counts.


2. Sometimes it pays to be a hominid.

When I let the dogs out this afternoon to do their business, Jericho (the good dog) gave me a look that could only be interpreted as, "are you seriously going to make me squat in this shit?"
And the answer was yes.
Yes, Jericho, you have to literally jam your asshole into the snow to go to the bathroom.
Because you are a dog.
And most of the time, being a dog rocks.
But not today.
Because today? You have to try to do your business in 3 feet of snow.
Godspeed, my friend. Godspeed.

3. Electricity is vital.

This one seems obvious. But being spared every regional black-out that has hit this area for the past two years, I'll admit I'm a bit cavalier with our electricity...
...until the power went bloop for half a second, and I suddenly realized that if the power goes out I would no longer be able to 1) watch TV 2) go online 3) do the laundry, or 4) flush the toilet. And then suddenly, I thought back to snickering at Jericho for having to poop in the snow and let me tell you...things got very real for a second or two.

4. I didn't get married to kill my own spiders

Brian kills the spiders in this house. End of story. So when one crawled across the kitchen floor (much to my cats' delight an my intense horror), needless to say...we had a problem. Oh sure; when I'm backpacking and sleeping in a tent and cooking my food over a portable stove, I can pretty much pull a daddy longlegs out of my pasta and keep on eating.
Because I'm in THEIR house, and I totally get that.
But in my house?
MY HOUSE?!?!
I will kill you.
Or...my husband will kill you....if he's home.
If I'm home? I'll scream like a girl and try to sic all 4 animals on you before giving up and squemishly stomping on you (with much squealing and general carrying on).
Hey, I don't make the rules here - I just follow 'em.

5. When left to my own devices, there's no telling what might happen.

Today, I did 4 loads of laundry.
I also painted half a painting - a thing which I haven't done since highschool.
And then I ate 2 packs of Tasty Kakes, cleaned the bedroom, shoveled the front walk, and baked cornbread while imbibing on the better half of a bottle of wine.
What I'm trying to say here is, there's no telling what I might do when left alone for 36+ hours. Tomorrow might be Yoga and reorganizing the kitchen.
Or it might be interpretive dance, snow-sculpture, and de-clogging the bathroom drains.
The fact of the matter is I have no idea why I do what I do; science has yet to come up with an explanation.

6. Just in case you were worried - never fear - Milo is still barking for no G-D reason.

No explanation required. He's still an asshole.