Thursday, February 4, 2010

Miracles: Aisle 5: Next To The Toilets. Get Some.

Dear Lowes Home Improvement Store:
Wow.

I just....wow.

I mean, I knew you were a good store. I knew you had all of my home improvement needs covered from day one.
That time Brian and I refurbished the entire basement?
You had that shit locked down.
That time, soon after Brian and I refurbished the entire basement, when the entire basement flooded?
That massive sump pump was totally clutch.
The two floods that came AFTER that original flood?
You were on it like white on rice. (and your return policy is awesomely lax, if I do say so myself)

But this?
This goes way above and beyond your typical scope of home improvement conveniences:


I mean....
Seriously?

You can prevent SNOW NOW?!?!?

It's just that...Jesus Christ!

You might want to start advertising for this service a little bit, because I'm pretty sure that if everybody knew you had a center designed specifically to prevent snow?
Well.
Let's just say that certain stores - and not to name names, but they might rhyme with "Shmome Shdeepo" - might be out of business right about now.

Sincerely,

your newest disciple.

12 comments:

Unknown said...

roflmbo ummm yeah I think they should have worded that sign a wee bit different lol

Leah Rubin said...

Awesome. I mean, who knew? But then again, my husband can cause snow to fall. No, seriously. When he decides, the early part of April, as he always does, that winter is over and he puts the snow shovels back down the basement, we are virtually guaranteed a snowfall within 24 hours. He's a magician. Who swears like a longshoreman.

Mr. Apron said...

At the theatre where I rehearse my G&S operettas, there's a sign stuck by the parking lot that boldly orders,

"NO SNOW HERE."

I mean, it's just NOT PERMITTED to fall there.

And these Unitarian Universalists mean business. Ever fucked one in an alley?

Whoops-- I mean fucked "with" one in an alley.....

Awkward.

phairhead said...

praise, Lowe's!

Organic Meatbag said...

I can hold back floods...I don't like to brag about it n' shit, but...just sayin'...

Kim said...

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I already liked Lowe's better than The Chan That Shall Not Be Named, but now I love them.

Elise said...

I don't think it's going to work for this one.

Christina Harper said...

Snow prevention? I thought they were calling that Global Warming. Huh. Guess Lowes managed to get the copyright on it first. :)

anya said...

:)

I guess because we don't have Lowes in Canada it snows like shit up here. Darn. U.S. - 1 Canada - 0

Leah - loved your comment! I will also add that whenever I wash my car it will rain the next day...

Ed said...

I worked at Lowe's for 4 years.

It was awesome.

We used to fuck with customers sooo much.

That and lots of beer drinking in the parking lot after work.

jillian mary said...

I know nothing about Lowe's, but I hate Home Depot to such an extent that I am willing to endorse this commend.

Elle said...

HAHAHA! I want some XD