A Pathetic Excuse for a Cruise Recap

All right, guys:
So apparently I owe all you a recap of the honeymoon in Bermuda.
But apparently I also have Swine Flu and some sort of inner ear problem resulting from 24-plus hours spent on a boat in rough seas (in other words, in my head, I’m still riding 20-foot swells at 18 knots, despite the fact that I’m firmly planted on land. Trippy doesn’t even BEGIN to describe it).

So I’m going to use a universal method of compromising here:
Oh yeah. That's right.
We’re going bullet point-style up in this bizeaytch.
And if I hear one complaint from you guys, so help me god…

Ahem:

Lessons learned on a cruise ship to Bermuda: Navigating the high seas while stuck on a boat with people you hate with the burning passion of a thousand fiery suns.

Mental preparation is key: Chances are, if you hate people, then you’re really going to hate people when you’re all stuck in a boat together in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. No amount of activities, food, or flashy lights will distract you from your hate. Rather than fight it, it’s best to just accept your hate and try to move on, all the while ignoring the urges to cause bodily harm to your fellow sea-goers (yes, there are police on board and remember: international waters mean no strict rules regarding torture).

Alcohol is your friend: Yes, you hate your shipmates, but sometimes when you’re sitting in a Jacuzzi under the stars with a bucket full of beer on hand, you hate them a little less. You also stop caring that your boat has ugly carpeting and corny attractions like the Dazzle Lounge. However, if you drink too much, you suddenly start caring A GREAT DEAL that your boat is rocking back and forth. And back. And forth. And back.

Don’t go to the shows: Just….don’t. Unless you're 65, have blue hair, and enjoy screeching renditions of Witchey Woman. Then by all means, have at it.

Eat until you’re happy again: If there is one thing you can find in excess on a cruise boat, its food. Eat often and in excess quantities; it’s hard to hate when you’re so full you feel like a wet bag of cement.

Become an optimist: Sure, you may be stuck on a boat with 2200 middle-aged New Yorkers with various Napoleon/Oedipus/Sopranos complexes, but look on the bright side: you’re the youngest, smartest, hottest person on the ship. So relax. Look at all the unhappy, obese, morons around you and smile because you’re not one of them. See? Every cloud has a silver lining.

Hit the shore the minute the gangplank touches mainland: Get off the boat as soon as possible. And run. Because they’re right behind you. With their floppy hats and fanny packs and motorized scooters and oh my god is that seriously a segway tour?!?!? Get far, far away from the boat. The farther the better. And hope that they can’t find you.

Special people make special friends: And speaking of people who can find you no matter what….look: I have no problem with mentally disabled people. And I fully support programs that take mentally disabled people on trips and such. But when your group of “special” people is making other boat-goers uncomfortable, say, by approaching them and getting in their face and talking nonsensically and then asking them to dance, maybe it’s time to step in and sort of round up that “special” person and give them a time out or something so that they calm down and stop harassing others. And then when you’re taking your “special” group on the mainland and that “special” person recognizes that same boat goer and gets all excited and up in their face again, maybe they need to be supervised a bit better, hmmmm? Just a thought.

Low pressure zones are bad, bad business: Think your boat is too big to get tossed around? Well guess again. No matter how big your boat is, the Atlantic Ocean can produce a wave big enough to rock her. And not in the fun, sexy, or Def Leopard kind of way.

So, I think that sums up the cruise rather well.
I’ll post some pics of Bermuda tomorrow when I’m hopefully not feeling like death warmed over.

I’m also aware that I’ve received some new awards and been called out to roast a fellow blogger and also obtained a handful of new readers (HEY THERE!), which is in itself awesome and I’m totally dry-humping you guys out of thanks. But today? I’m dying over here, and you can be sure as balls that I wouldn’t be at work if I had any sick time left.

So let’s leave that love-fest for another day.

Right now I need to dose up on more Tylenol Severe Cold and Allergy meds and try to find my land legs [Avast ye...oh whatever...insert appropriate pirate phrase here].

Bonus Sunday Post: Wedding Recap

Reason number 348234654903 why Brian and I are some sexy bitches:
May I present to you: The Moneyshot...

Oh yeah. You know you want us.

But I digress...

HELLLOOOOOO READERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Holy Shit have I missed you guys, and I'm not even kidding about that. We could talk about how weird it is that I've missed a bunch of anonymous interwebz people, half of whom I've never met and half of whom I don't even know exist (because they refuse to follow me publically and hey, that's cool man, I can dig it, but you know that hurts my feelings, right? WHY ARE YOU ASHAMED OF ME?!?!?). But let's not talk about it, because that's a completely different, awkward conversation for a completely different, awkward day.

Have I lost you yet?

If I have, don't be alarmed. I'm all hopped up on medication because I may or may not have contracted Swine Flu in Bermuda. Talk about different conversations for different days...I'll fill you in on that little awesome story tomorrow.

Moving on...

The wedding was so amazing that I had to make up a new word to describe it: Scrumtrulescent (and if you can tell me where I got that line, I'll buy a steak dinner). The weather couldn't have been nicer, the ceremony couldn't have gone any smoother, and we couldn't have had a better bunch of friends and family who all pulled together to make it happen. If you're reading this and you were one of the people who showed up days and/or hours before the ceremony to help set up/decorate/cook/clean etc: THANK YOU times a million! We couldn't have done it without you!

I'd also like to thank the baby jesus...

(I kid)

So here are just a few shots from the wedding, taken from Carrie from BrickCityLove, also know as the hardest working friend/event planner known to man. She took these pics when she wasn't herding people or pouring champagne or working the PA system or doing a million other things.

I swear to god, she was like Wonder Woman, except she wore a blouse and sensible pants instead of a strapless unitard and knee-highs (on account of the dress code being "smart-casual" and not "superhero-elegant").

The flowers:

The cake:

The ceremony:

The toast:

I have a lot more pictures I could show, but you know what? Google Blogger is being a little bitch (yes, again) and it's taking me literally like 5 minutes per picture, so I'm going to have to concede defeat.

But you get the idea:
White dress
Flowers
Cake
Wedding-type activities.

It was great.

But now I need to go and rest. So tune in tomorrow to hear about my trip to Bermuda. I didn't get into any bar fights, but I did learn a valuable lesson about the benefits of hand sanitizer.

Intrigued?
Don't be.
It involves mucus.

A LOT of mucus.

A Spastic Farewell (For Now)

All right, guys, this is it. My last day at work before the wedding.

I'm psyched.
And stressed.
And a little bit wild.

(and sweaty, from all of the above, mostly in the pit area. TMI?).

AND THEN my boss comes to me at 10:00 this morning and says "I need this done bytheendoftheday."

And of course it's not really her, but HER managers, who need this bytheendoftheday, but still, Jesus Christ, yanno?

So there's that.

And the pit sweat, which is irritating, to say the least.

So unless I manage to find a few minutes between now and the honeymoon (HAH!), I'll have to say adieu for now.

But never fear, I shall return on the 19th happy and refreshed and hopefully with some wonderful story about how I got into a bar fight with a dolphin.

Or something equally ridiculous, because that is how I roll, my friends.

So I leave you now to get married.

er...again.

And maybe beat up a dolphin.

(too smart for their own damn good, if you ask me)

Arts 'n Crafts

My apologies for the poor quality - they were taken with my camera phone.

5 Days Left...

Click to enlarge

Friday's Featured Follower

Editor's note: stupid #@*$%& google blogger has totally messed up my spacing. For the hot mess that is this blog post, I apologize

___________________________________________________

I have no material. What else is new?

So, I figured I'd spread the love (and a little VD) by featuring another follower. I’m thinking this might be an every Friday thing, only because I love alliteration like a fat kid loves cake.

Actually I love alliteration almost as much as I love cake.

And that is saying something.

Today’s Friday Featured Follower (wow, I got all tingly in my girl parts just writing that) is relatively-new-follower Ed over at Ed’s Funny Pages.

Why I want to do sexy times with his blog:

Beyond the fact that his picture is a giant-headed person drawn on Microsoft Paint (or with some equally archaic art system), which immediately makes him awesome because Microsoft Paint is near and dear to my heart, Ed’s blog is funny.

Very funny.

And, well, I like to laugh, so this is a good thing.

He’s like a cup of hilarious, a teaspoon of random, a tablespoon of dirty, a dash of sarcastic, and a pinch of wise.

Mix it all up, and you’ve got Ed’s Funny Pages.

With a giant head.

God, there’s nothing funnier than a giant head on a teeny tiny body

(I was always a sucker for physical comedy).

Okay, well there is ONE type of physical comedy that’s funnier than a giant head. You know what I’m talking about:

It’s the “portray someone being thrown across the room by replacing them with a poorly-constructed dummy” schtick.

Like so:

(skip to 1:02, although the whole clip is HYSTERICAL and I want to give a Beej to the guy who invented Fresh Prince of Bel Air)

Anywah, where was I. Oh yeah.

Ed’s Funny Pages: ALMOST as funny as person who has OBVIOUSLY been replaced with a dummy being thrown across the room

One of his most memorable posts:

This one. Probably not his most memorable, but I think this was the first post of his that I read, and it made me hit the “follow” button faster than you can say banana hammock. Yeah, I’m totally a fan of his bits & pieces (hot).

The Patrick Swayze bit was hysterical (although I will admit, it took me a minute to figure it out).

The Pure Romance segment was completely random (if not TMI)

The Hand-Tossed Pizza part had me all “woah, this is a funny cat”

The MJ Lawsuit section was…educational? And made me feel poor. But we’ll overlook it just this once.

And finally. The booger paragraph? WOW. 100% classy, all the way.

So. Yeah. Ed’s Funny Pages.

Be there, or be square.

And if you want to be in the running to be next week’s Friday’s Featured Follower, hit the ole’ follow button on the right, and maybe grace my blog with a few comments.

(A word to the wise: boosting my ego will bring you to the front of the line. Making me think too hard will send you straight to the back.)

Happy Friday, folks.

Go-Time

HolyShitHolyShitHolyShitHolyShitHolyShitHolyShitHolyShitHolyShit

As I'm sure you've surmised, at around 8:38 this morning, I officially hit the wedding panic button

Last night? “Oh, we have plenty of time. Let’s watch some TV.”

This morning? “I HAVE SO MANY THINGS TO DO THAT I WANT TO DIE.”

And of course, there are Birthdays. Two, in two days, that need planning and reservations and preparations made at the house for a small gathering.

And then my soon-to-be mother-in-law says, “What were you going to do for the rehearsal dinner?”

And I was all, “ummmmm, pizza and slave-labor?”

And I was serious.

Because the day before the wedding is not going to be some magical time where he goes golfing with his buddies while I go shopping and maybe get a massage, then we hold hands and skip to the chapel for rehearsal, and then go out to a lovely dinner where speeches are made and wine is drunk and everybody is mellow and happy.

No.

The day before the wedding is going to feel more like this:

Or maybe this:

Except at some point, my sister, mom, and I get our nails done.

So I wrote this blog, first thing in the morning when I should be doing other things related to…er…um…my job, in hopes that getting this panic off of my chest will quell my fears a bit.

But so far, it’s not working.

I’m still panicking.

And remembering more things I should probably get done sometime in the near future.

You, guys, I’m about this close to taking one of the sedatives that we got from the vet for Milo.

What?

We’re sedating the dog for the wedding.

Doesn’t everybody?