A Pathetic Excuse for a Cruise Recap

All right, guys:
So apparently I owe all you a recap of the honeymoon in Bermuda.
But apparently I also have Swine Flu and some sort of inner ear problem resulting from 24-plus hours spent on a boat in rough seas (in other words, in my head, I’m still riding 20-foot swells at 18 knots, despite the fact that I’m firmly planted on land. Trippy doesn’t even BEGIN to describe it).

So I’m going to use a universal method of compromising here:
Oh yeah. That's right.
We’re going bullet point-style up in this bizeaytch.
And if I hear one complaint from you guys, so help me god…

Ahem:

Lessons learned on a cruise ship to Bermuda: Navigating the high seas while stuck on a boat with people you hate with the burning passion of a thousand fiery suns.

Mental preparation is key: Chances are, if you hate people, then you’re really going to hate people when you’re all stuck in a boat together in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. No amount of activities, food, or flashy lights will distract you from your hate. Rather than fight it, it’s best to just accept your hate and try to move on, all the while ignoring the urges to cause bodily harm to your fellow sea-goers (yes, there are police on board and remember: international waters mean no strict rules regarding torture).

Alcohol is your friend: Yes, you hate your shipmates, but sometimes when you’re sitting in a Jacuzzi under the stars with a bucket full of beer on hand, you hate them a little less. You also stop caring that your boat has ugly carpeting and corny attractions like the Dazzle Lounge. However, if you drink too much, you suddenly start caring A GREAT DEAL that your boat is rocking back and forth. And back. And forth. And back.

Don’t go to the shows: Just….don’t. Unless you're 65, have blue hair, and enjoy screeching renditions of Witchey Woman. Then by all means, have at it.

Eat until you’re happy again: If there is one thing you can find in excess on a cruise boat, its food. Eat often and in excess quantities; it’s hard to hate when you’re so full you feel like a wet bag of cement.

Become an optimist: Sure, you may be stuck on a boat with 2200 middle-aged New Yorkers with various Napoleon/Oedipus/Sopranos complexes, but look on the bright side: you’re the youngest, smartest, hottest person on the ship. So relax. Look at all the unhappy, obese, morons around you and smile because you’re not one of them. See? Every cloud has a silver lining.

Hit the shore the minute the gangplank touches mainland: Get off the boat as soon as possible. And run. Because they’re right behind you. With their floppy hats and fanny packs and motorized scooters and oh my god is that seriously a segway tour?!?!? Get far, far away from the boat. The farther the better. And hope that they can’t find you.

Special people make special friends: And speaking of people who can find you no matter what….look: I have no problem with mentally disabled people. And I fully support programs that take mentally disabled people on trips and such. But when your group of “special” people is making other boat-goers uncomfortable, say, by approaching them and getting in their face and talking nonsensically and then asking them to dance, maybe it’s time to step in and sort of round up that “special” person and give them a time out or something so that they calm down and stop harassing others. And then when you’re taking your “special” group on the mainland and that “special” person recognizes that same boat goer and gets all excited and up in their face again, maybe they need to be supervised a bit better, hmmmm? Just a thought.

Low pressure zones are bad, bad business: Think your boat is too big to get tossed around? Well guess again. No matter how big your boat is, the Atlantic Ocean can produce a wave big enough to rock her. And not in the fun, sexy, or Def Leopard kind of way.

So, I think that sums up the cruise rather well.
I’ll post some pics of Bermuda tomorrow when I’m hopefully not feeling like death warmed over.

I’m also aware that I’ve received some new awards and been called out to roast a fellow blogger and also obtained a handful of new readers (HEY THERE!), which is in itself awesome and I’m totally dry-humping you guys out of thanks. But today? I’m dying over here, and you can be sure as balls that I wouldn’t be at work if I had any sick time left.

So let’s leave that love-fest for another day.

Right now I need to dose up on more Tylenol Severe Cold and Allergy meds and try to find my land legs [Avast ye...oh whatever...insert appropriate pirate phrase here].