Clinically Depressed Poodle Attacks Former French President

There's poetry to be found somewhere in that heading.

Got this story from Michael K on Dlisted.com:

Clinically Depressed Poodle Attacks Former French President!! Is It Okay To Laugh?

Seen here is former French President Chirac with his pet Maltese Poodle Sumo. Sumo may seem like your regular poodle: barks at anything that moves, loves rhinestone collars against its fur, sticks its nose up at mutts... etc...etc.. Well, Sumo isn't your regular bitch. The motherfucker is certifiable! The crazy bitch reportedly went after Chirac for no reason and mauled his French ass (or face, this hasn't been confirmed)! Maybe Chirac told Sumo his butt looked fat. You know how bitchy those poodles can be.
Chirac's wife said Sumo has become crazier and crazier over the years. He's like the gay ass version of Cujo! Cujosofierce! The bitch was diagnosed "clinically depressed" and is currently on anti-depressants. She said, "The dog went for him for no apparent reason. We were already aware the animal was unpredictable and is actually being treated with pills for depression. My husband was bitten quite badly, but he is certain to make a full recovery over the coming weeks."
Maybe Sumo was sick of taking Prozac or whatever the fuck they are hiding in his Fancy Feast (you know he eats cat food, he's that elegant). Bitch just wants a damn joint and a DRANK so he can mellow the hell out.
It's obvious that Sumo and Chirac can no longer be best girlfriends. That's why I'm suggesting that Parasite Hilton adopts Sumo. The ugly whore loves dogs, right? Once he's done mauling the wonk off her face, he can go live with Jessica Simpson, then the Kardashians....and so on and so forth.... Sumo: Mauling the dumb bitches of Hollywood one bite at a time!

Okay, first of all, can I just say that Michael K is ridiculous and I love him?

Second of all, I know EXACTLY what this guy must be feeling right now! My family had a poodle growing up that must have been beat with the same crazy stick as Sumo, because that dog was NUTS! I don't have any pictures of Benny, mostly because any time we tried to take a picture of him, it immediately disintegrated in flames due to the evil nature of it’s subject-matter (that, or there were no digital cameras around when I was growing up...same difference). However, below is an artist's rendition of what Benny looked like circa 1995:

Benny was seriously insane. He used to pee all over any crate or room that we would try to put him in, which completely defies the purpose of crating in the first place. What kind of nut-job pees where he sleeps?! Benny would also bite me on a regular basis, because he was the worst dog that ever existed. Period. One time, he almost bit me in the eye. If his tooth had hit me an inch to the left, I would have been blind! Ironically, we had to put him down at the ripe old age of 14 because he went blind. My mom had to stay home with him because he kept running in to things. LOL. Serves him right, the little bastard. Anyway, let’s have a moment of silence for the most evil dog that was ever conceived from the depths of hell.

Benny, you might have been the biggest POS dog that ever lived, but you are missed (in a McCain-misses-Vietnam kind of way)