A Letter Involving Cake, With Love (And Open Threats)

Dear work,

Times are really tough, and in this economic climate, I fully understand that businesses are under more strain than ever before. I hear that you recently got some pretty bad news about the company that provides us with the vast majority of our business, and now our own financial standing is looking a little wobblier than it did two weeks ago. I totally sympathize with the fact it feels like the rug was pulled out beneath you – hey, we ALL feel a little uneasy – and I can’t imagine what kind of late-night meetings are going on in an attempt to keep gas in the well-oiled machine that I’m (relatively) happy to be a part of.

I want to make it clear that I really, really appreciate the fact that you’re trying to cut costs to save jobs. Nobody wants to be let go, and nobody wants to see their friends and coworkers let go either. I have no problem turning out the light when the editorial staff is out of the office. I have no problem using toilet paper of a lesser quality (although don’t think that just ‘cause I haven’t said anything I haven’t noticed. Trust me…the brand of TP that you recently switched to makes itself WELL KNOWN while in use. Let’s just say that cotton-soft it aint’). I have no problem fully committing myself to the job (between the hours of 8:45 and 5:00, obviously. No freebies here) and giving my absolute best if it’s going to help the company get through this rough patch. Hey, we’re all just trying to survive, right?

There is, however, one item that I am not willing, under any circumstances, to sacrifice:
Birthday cake

You may not be aware of it, but the monthly company birthday cake is largely held to be a beacon of light in our dark, monotone, procedure-laden world. You also may not be aware of it, but on more than one occasion, that cake was the motivating factor to get my butt out of bed and in to work instead of calling out sick. That cake is the heart and soul of the company; it makes friends out of enemies and pulls me and my coworkers back from death’s doorstep with the promise of sugary icing so sweet it'll make your teeth ache.

Let it be known that if you remove the monthly birthday cake, there WILL be repercussions. There are a few things in my life you shouldn’t mess with, and cake is one of them. Oh, I’ll cut you. I’ll cut you good.

That said, thanks again for not laying me or any of my coworkers off. As much as we grip about having to come in to work every day, those bi-monthly paychecks sure do come in handy with..oh…living and such.

Thanks again :-)
Sincerely,
An employee who takes her baked goods very, VERY seriously and is not afraid to shank a bitch