Monday, November 16, 2009

The Devil Ain't No (Facebook) Friend Of Mine

Does anybody else think that Bridal Showers are the less preferable alternative to a fiery eternity in the depths of hell? Because I swear to god, when I sat through a bridal shower this weekend, I totally would have sold my soul to Satan himself if I could have jus t gotten up and walked out of that thing.

And if I could have punched the Bride-to-Be in the face on the way out? Not only would I have sold my soul to the Devil, I would have gift-wrapped that beeyatch in a basket with some overly-priced chocolates and a smoked salmon.

But I guess that’s another story for another day, involving an honest, hard-working man and a woman who is, literally, ruining his life (but maybe I’ve said too much)

In fact, I distinctly remember a point during the shower when I squeezed my eyes shut and conjured up Beelzebub and said, “Now’s your chance, big boy. Take it or leave it.”
And then I felt this draft of air behind my right shoulder and I was SO CONVINCED that he had taken me up on the offer.

But instead of the Devil, it was the creepy maid of honor. She caught me with my legs crossed, and according to the game, that means she gets to “steal” my gift.

Damn, I really could have used that crappy hand lotion.

You see, for those of you who are not aware, at a Bridal Shower you are forced to play games.

Horribly stupid games like, “if you get caught with your arms or legs crossed, the person who catches you gets your gift.”

At this particular shower, this game was followed by “guess how much toilet paper it takes to wrap around the bride.” Which was trailed by “I’m going to call out an item, and the first person who digs this item out from their purse and gets it to me wins.”

Me? I didn’t play the games.

I sat in the back and drank mimosas and attempted to make a pact with the Devil to trade my soul for freedom and possibly an opportunity to physically assault on the guest of honor.

And when they handed me a card to write advice for the Bride-to-be, it was all I could do not to write, “Don’t throw any more stupid bridal showers, or I will cut you, bitch.”

Of course I didn’t. I wrote something along the lines of “treat your husband how you want to be treated” in a thickly veiled attempt to accuse her of taking advantage of him.

Because if have to play nice, I should at least be able to throw in some coded messages, right?

Thankfully, I had come with the baby.
Not my baby – the baby of my friend, who thankfully was invited too or I might have stabbed myself in the eye with a salad fork.
And when the baby needs a nap, you HAVE to leave, right?
And if they’re my ride, then I have to leave too.

What a shame

So I managed to leave just as she was settling in to open the 43095433492094387 gifts that she had received for doing nothing other than forcing a good man to support her fat, lazy ass for the rest of her life.

Wow, congrats on being a piece of shit. Here’s a toaster.

So that was my Saturday.
Being surrounded by adult women playing childish games and oohing and aahing over the crappy Bride and not once – not ONCE – did the Devil show up to bail me out.

Wow, I knew he was mean and all, but that’s just CRUEL man.

Dear Satan,
Good job dropping the ball on that one.
Don’t bother leaving me a Facebook message – I already deleted you as a friend. And I blocked you phone number too.
So the next time you need help harvesting your tomatoes on Farmville, find someone else to do it.

Yeah, that’ll show him.

How you like THEM (rotten Farmville) apples?!?

14 comments:

Julia said...

maybe you'll sell your soul in time for the wedding?

liberal army wife said...

the games, the stupid silly dumb games - just shoot me now. I hate going to showers (bridal, baby whatever) because of the dumb games.

LAW

adrienzgirl said...

Ouch! It totally fucking sucks when one of your good friends marries someone that sucks!

Poor form Devil!

Come on by today, I left you something shiny on my blog!

Travis said...

Why aren't we Facebook besties??

For serious though, smoked salmon AND your ever lastin soul?

That's bad.

Mr. Apron said...

I think that "Congratulations on being a fat piece of shit. Here's a toaster." (I'm paraphrasing) is one of my favorite lines of all time.

PorkStar said...

oh yeah, why aren't WE on facebook either? So el Diablo has wanted to be friends wiff you on FB and this hot piece of pork didn't even know you haz one? booo

LMAO @ your feeling towards the lazy fat bride... I actually ised to go to those bridal shwoers, the only male but hey, i had lots of fun during that... and afterwards

: )

Ashley said...

THIS POST MADE MY DAY.

I abhor showers...after only attending one.

When I got married we had a co-ed shower with lots of booze, and no games (well, one trivia game, after I said not to...I'm still mad), in hopes that no one would try to barter with the devil for freedom.

I think it worked?

Elise said...

No truer post was ever written about showers -- the bridal or baby kind. And I've had to endure both.

So you didn't stay long enough for the ridiculous bows-on-paper-plate hat tradition?

Guillermo said...

I am sold....I love you, lets get married and have a bridal shower, but a cool one with a shit ton of booze and a donkey show.

Ed said...

Is it even possible to make a deal like that with yourself for you own soul?

And then get mad cause you don't show up to where you already are?

Erin said...

Ah yes, the dreaded "shower." I went to a baby shower this weekend as well, but it was much more of a party than a real shower (no games, beer, bonfire).

Kim said...

Oh, I HATE showers as well. Baby showers are much easier for me than bridal showers. I don't know why. Maybe the little clothes amuse me.

Either way, I can sympathize.

Emily said...

WHY would you voluntarily go to a shower if you're not required to be there cause you're in the fucking bridal party? You brought this on yourself.

But seriously. You'll never get that Saturday back. My sympathies!

phairhead said...

fuck those fucking games!