Water and I...we don't get along.
I hate hate HATE drinking water.
And I know a lot of people say that, but riddle me this Batman:
When was the last time you met a person who could drink 2 cups of coffee in the morning and NOTHING ELSE for the rest of the day?
Convinced that I'm an alien?
Yeah, that makes two of us.
I went to my doctor recently to get some bloodwork done. Some of my levels, like potassium and vitamin D and creatinine, were off.
But on the good news, I'm HIV- and Hepatits-negative, so there were no uncomfortable discussions when I got home.
Anyway, after some though, he cocked his head at me and asked, "Is there any chance you could have been dehydrated on the day they drew your blood?"
And I was all, story of my fucking life, doc.
Doctor: How much water do you drink on average?
Me: Not much at all.
Doctor: Like, how many 16 oz glasses per day
Me: None, ususally.
Doctor: None?
Me: None.
Doctor: Not even one glass?
Me: Not if I can help it.
Doctor: Other beverages? Tea? Juice?
Me: Coffee in the morning, but nothing else really.
Doctor: You know coffee is a diuretic, right?
Me: Yeah
Doctor: So you drink diuretic liquids in the morning and nothing else all day.
Me: Pretty much.
Doctor: How many times a day do you pee?
Me: I dunno. Maybe 2.
Doctor: Does that include nighttime?
Me: Yes.
Doctor: Ever get up in the middle of the night to pee?
Me: Sometimes when I drink too much.
Doctor: Well, alcoholic beverages are diuretics too.
Me: Yeah, I know.
I think they call this a stalemate.
Have you ever had anybody look at you like you're supposed to be dead but for some reason, you're not?
That was kind of the look he gave me. It was creepy.
So I took the opportunity to ask him the question that's been burning in my mind for years now:
If I were stuck in the desert with a bunch of other people, would I be the FIRST to die from dehydration...or the LAST?
As in, is my body so used to being dehydrated that I'd be making fucking sandcastles while my companions were dropping like flies?
Or am I so behind the 8-ball when it comes to being hydrated that I'd shrivel up like a raisin after 10 minutes?
The expert consensus? After careful consideration, my doctor guessed that I'd probably be the last to die.
"Heck," he said, "you might even set a new record."
YEESSSSSSS!
"Of course," he added, "that's not a good enough reason to drink as little as you do. Barring any trips to Africa, I'd recommend drinking more....A LOT more."
He's such a party pooper.
5 comments:
Hahahah Ugh, I totally wrote about this today. I too hate hate hate water, and I know I'm dehydrated constantly because I'm always thirsty but the concept of drinking water is worse than the need to quench.
I tried yesterday to drink more h2o in an attempt to curb my 'foods that I should not have' cravings.. and it was a BIG fail..because I could not get anything done I was in the bathroom all day long.
ugh!
Dude--
Your doctor said "pee" and not "urinate"?
That's like a doctor calling my penis a "little thing."
I mean-- not that it's little. It's just... um... nevermind.
And I was just thinking about the whole water thing yesterday.
I have 16 oz of coffee in the morning, a Caffeine Free Diet Coke (CFDC) with lunch, same with dinner, and maybe tea on a cold evening.
We're all going to hell, dried up shriveled-assed motherfuckers.
I drink Diet Coke all day. Does that count?
Why is he trying to spoil your untarnished record of being dehydrated? :)
I can't live without drinking water by me at all times. I'd be the first to die in that scenario.
I hate drinking water too! And I can't find a water bottle that I like. However, I do think that my skin is clearer when I'm hydrated.
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