Pronunciation: \ˌklep-tə-ˈmā-nē-ə, -nyə\
Function: noun
Etymology: New Latin
Date: 1830
1. a persistent neurotic impulse to steal especially without economic motive
Fucking hell, Milo.
I came out into the living room the other day after taking a shower, and this is what I find. My dog, looking horribly guilty, amongst a pile of my belongings; namely, a boot, and a pair of my.....ahem....unmentionables, which are blacked out in the name of decorum.
Apparently even I have limits when it comes to discression. Who knew?!?
Not that I mind that he likes to gather my belongings in a pile. It's actually kind of cute (and flattering, if one can be flattered by an animal who is 100% dependent on them for food and shelter).
The problem is that Milo doesn't really see the difference between hanging out with my stuff because he loves me...and eating my stuff because he loves me.
Sunggling with my boot or ingesting my boot...it's all the same to him.
Which is why he's loved me enough to eat a countless number of my possessions, while leaving Brian's things relatively unscathed.
Brian says I should feel honored.
I say we need a new dog.
Preferrably one that isn't, by definition, a kleptomaniac.
I mean, talk about stealing without economic motive! Unless Milo is planning on selling my underthings on the internet, I'd say that his penchant for thievery is about as un-economically motivated as you can get.
For one thing, both the boot and the undergarment have been around the block a few times, if you know what I mean.
For another thing, until he grows opposable thumbs, he isn't getting very far with any of his conquests.
And finally, if he was planning on ingesting them...why bother? He has acces to a bowl of high-quality kibble at all times (mostly because I'm too lazy to institute twice-daily "feeding times")
What would Freud think of this animal?
Better yet, what would Dog Whisperer Cezar Milan think of this behavior?!?
If anybody has any suggestions for how to break a dog of his kleptomaniac habbits, I'm all ears. Until then, I think I'm going to need to invest in a safe.
Or a good shock collar.
kidding....
10 comments:
There's always that muzzle... just sayin'...
If I had any suggestions that actually worked, I wouldn't be out about three dozen pairs of Victoria's Secret underwear (aka, my dog's chew toy of choice). I always know, too, when he's been in the laundry because his ears go flat and he starts getting all shakey and whiney...then it's like, "okay, buddy. Where are my chewed up underthings?"
I have to admit, seeing your underthings blacked out ruined my day.
However.
This was hilarious, and I laughed my ass off. Poor dog, he just wants to feel close to you!
awww look at that face could you seriously stay mad at that face??
Ours used to do that everytime we left her alone.
I can tell you this:
Beating them only goes so far. Then they just start pissing themselves whenever you raise you voice or hand.
Now she just does it when we leave her and she thinks we should have taken her with us.
Wait.....you were talking about a dog? I confused dog and grandma.
I got nothing on dogs.
I'm so glad I didn't end up with a klepto dog. I'm bad enough about forgetting where I put things without someone moving them for me.
But that picture--priceless.
I used to think I had toxic crotch since my undies seemed to start falling apart. Then I caught the dog tonguing them like a lolli-lop.
As long as Milo isn't dry-humping your pillow, I think you're going to be okay.
I have a theory that the reason he chews them up is because he wants to look good in them like you do but doesn't have the body to pull it off and that frustrates him.
Get him his own pair of doggie panties and boots and your problems will go away.
I had the same problem with my little brother. Now he's fine.
then it's like, "okay, buddy. Where are my chewed up underthings?"
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