A Few Thoughts on Christmas

Christmas has been a constantly shifting concept in my life, as I’m sure it has been for most people. As a child, it was a day of magic and excitement and miracles and ohmygod brand new toys! As I got older, Christmas became a day of family and warmth and a really, really good meal orchestrated with love by frenzied parents. Later, the simultaneous divorce of my parents and (unfortunate) marriage of myself and my Ex caused Christmas to become a whirl of confusion and division – my life was like a jigsaw puzzle of mismatched pieces, and I was trying to squash them together to make a recognizable picture. It didn't really work. And as the dust settled, Christmas became whole again, but in a duller, half-recognizable form, seen through the eyes of a person who was considerably less happy than she used to be.

And now, Christmas of 2008 has arrived with a brand new life and an outlook to match. I anticipated December 25th (and the days pre-and proceeding that day) to be brilliant – a glorious comeback of the “old” Christmas, full of magic and wonder and anticipation. I decorated liberally, and I brought presents generously, and in abundance. Brian and I started what are sure to be new traditions in our happy little life, and punctuated the month of December with little instances of warmth and merriment and other Christmas-y feelings, all tied together with a roaring fireplace and a happy dog and a sense of gratitude that cannot be expressed by words.

Unfortunately, things don’t always go as planned. Yesterday was undoubtedly the darkest day that I experienced in 2008. It wasn’t only what happened (although what happened was pretty awful), but that it was allowed to happen – that bad people should triumph and good people should suffer (2 days before Christmas, nonetheless!), that really pulled the rug out from underneath me. I’ve had several struggles this year that have really challenged my sense of justice, but this latest action completely blindsided me. The hurt is deep, and shaking this last hit off is proving a monumental task.

And yet…

The people who surround me are lighting little fires in my chilly, significantly bitter heart. Sympathy and understanding and hugs are abounding. Friends and coworkers are offering advice and shoulders and food and cards and smiles. Brian (my god is he wonderful) is sitting with me in my dark tunnel, saying just enough and offering more support than I thought was possible. My family is sharing my outrage and driving me forward with righteous cause, bearing my flag proudly. Surely this is what Christmas is all about. I think I’m finding that Christmas doesn’t always come easily and effortlessly. Often, it comes with our burdens and sadnesses and indignities in tow. But it’s our ability to rise above these hardships – with the help of those we love – that makes Christmas the special time of year that it is intended to be.

This Christmas Eve, when the weight of my hardships were dragging me under, I felt a thousand hands reaching to pull me back up.

And I am grateful for each and every one of them.

So I wish everyone a Merry Christmas. May your loads feel a bit lighter, and your hearts a bit brighter this Holiday season.