The Baptism Blues

So I have this problem…

A few weeks ago, I was having brunch with Brian, his brother, his brother’s girlfriend, and their parents.
Yeah, I know, that’s so classy of me.

Brunch: making drinking before noon socially acceptable since 1896*

* I Wikipedia-ed that shit.

So we somehow got on the topic of religion, and Brian’s brother started talking about all that bullsh ... stuff that Catholic kids do while growing up. You know…CCD, communion, etc. The thing is, Brian’s mom is Catholic. And not the “go to church on Christmas and Easter or when you’re feeling especially sinful” Catholic. She’s, like, “go every week and volunteer for the church fundraising committee” Catholic.

So Brian’s brother is going on and on about the different things he had to do, being a child of a Catholic woman and all, and at one point I interjected, “Thank god I didn’t have to do any of that stuff in MY church while I was a kid. Man, that would have sucked”

Because Tact is my middle name.

But I said it because I was practically raised in a Presbyterian church. No joke. My dad was the choir director, and my mom was, like, the secretary or some shit. We totally ran that joint. We were like the popular kids in highschool who walk down the hallway in slow motion to rock music while the crowds part in a wave of awe and envy – well, except, replace rock music with hymns, I guess. I mean, we practically OWNED the church, except we couldn’t put it like that, because God would have probably struck us down.

Being a false idol is SUPER fun, BTW.

Ironically, through a series of random events (read: church scandal and appropriate fall-out), my entire family is now either atheist or agnostic. We’ve seen the light of a different kind, as it were. Card-carrying God haters, the lot of us. Isn’t life funny? One minute you’re praising the lord, the next minute you’re driving around with a Darwin fish on your bumper and rolling your eyes because NPR is talking about the Pope visiting Israel, or some shit.

Anyway, after I tactfully pointed out that I had not been a Catholic growing up, Brian’s mom turned to me and said, “Oh, that’s right, you’re Presbyterian, aren’t you?”

****

Commence first awkward pause of the day.

****

I have no idea what I said in response, but I think it was something like, “Yeahcanyoupassmethesalt?”

Later, driving home, I had a little talk with Brian:

“Does your mom think I’m religious?”
“I dunno. I might have told her that you were a Presbyterian when we first started dating.”
“But…does she think that I WAS Presbyterian…or… AM STILL Presbyterian?”

****

Commence second awkward pause of the day

****

So, in this way, I found out that not only does Brian’s mom think I believe in God, she actually has me sub-categorized as Presbyterian.

Now this in itself is not such a bad thing. I’m like George Costanza when it comes to lying. I can maintain a lie for upwards of 20 years if I have to. There are people I went to elementary school with who TO THIS DAY still believe that I have Tourette Syndrome, all because I used to curse like a sailor in 3rd grade and didn’t want to be called out on it.

BUT….here is the potential issue:

Brian and I are pretty serious. There is a theoretical marriage and theoretical children in our near future. Which is all fine and good, until Brian mentioned that we’re probably going to have to get the kid baptized.

Yes.
Baptized.
As in: unless we dunk this kid’s head in water, certain theoretical mother-in-laws are going to believe that this kid is going to roast for eternity in the fiery pits of hell.

The way I see it, like mother, like child, you know? But seeing as she’s hardcore into “God with a capital G” and I’m apathetically amused by this whole Christianity shtik, at best, it’s looking like I’m going to have to go through with it, rather than put her through years of suffering believing that this kid is going to hell because it’s sinful, sinful mother is an atheist.

I said to Brian, “You know, I’m going to have to seriously lie my ASS off when we do this. It’s going to take all my willpower not to roll my eyes through the whole thing.”

He was horrified. “You can’t LIE in church! That’s, like, the first rule they teach you in Catholic school!”

So I said to him, “Well, it’s either lie in church, or denounce god in front of the ENTIRE CONGREGATION, including your mother. Which would you rather have me do?”

Apparently, there are levels at which you can sin.

FYI, lying is pretty low on the list.

Denouncing God? In a CHURCH?
...that’s on a whole other level.