Me: Hey! Wazzup homes?
BlueFish (BF): Oh HEY THERE. Wow. Haven’t seen you in a long time. How’s life? What’s new? Oh, and by the way, did you know that fishes are living things that need to EAT once in a while?!
Me: Okay, okay, I get it. I haven’t fed you in a while. Sorry about that. But look! You’re still alive! Hooray!
BF: Barely.
Me: But alive, none the less.
BF: I guess. Well, at least more alive than that cricket-looking bug floating at the top of my tank.
Me: AAAIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BF: Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction. Did you know that fish can scream? Just ‘cause you can’t hear them…
Me: HOLY SHIT that’s disgusting!
BF: I know.
Me: GROSS!
BF: Tell me about it.
Me: How did that even happen?!?
BF: I don’t even remember, seeing as fish don’t have much long-term memory and it happened FOUR DAYS AGO
Me: WHAT?!?! Four DAYS ago?!?
BF: Yeah.
Me: You mean to tell me that thing has been floating at the top of your tank for four DAYS?!?
BF: You got it.
Me: Geeze, dude. That’s rough. I’m SO SORRY about that.
BF: By the way, I’m going to need therapy now. Thanks a lot.
Me: Christ. That’s terrible.
BF: I hope you weren’t planning on having kids any time soon, because you obviously need some skills in the whole “raising and nurturing” department.
Me: Well, that’s a little harsh.
BF: So is watching a cricket-thing drown to death in your tank and then having to stare at him for four days.
Me: Okay. Point taken.
BF: I’ve had nightmares ever since…
Me: I get it.
BF: And I think he’s starting to decompose…
Me: I’m actually surprised that you haven’t, like, eaten him or anything.
BF: WHAT?!?!
Me: I dunno…I kind of figured that fish aren’t exactly picky eaters. He’s made of protein…you EAT protein…
BF: That’s disgusting.
Me: So is the stuff you NORMALLY eat.
BF: It’s entirely different.
Me: Okay, whatever. I’m no expert.
BF: Clearly
Me: Jesus, I SAID I’m sorry.
BF: Not as sorry as he was.
Me: Yeah, yeah. Okay. Listen. I have to go to work now…
BF: WAIT…WHAT?!? You’re LEAVING?!? What about the cricket situation?!?!?!?
Me: I know. It’s awful. And as soon as I get home…
BF: AS SOON AS YOU GET HOME?!?!? What the HELL, man?!?
Me: Dude, I’m late. He’s been in there for 4 days. 8 more hours isn’t going to make much of a difference.
BF: You are the worst owner in the world.
Me: I know. I’ll make it up to you. Okay, I’m running late now, so I’ll talk to you later...
BF: WAIT! What about my food? Weren’t you going to feed me?
Me: No time. Gotta run. See ya.
BF: I’m going to murder you in your sleep…
Tomorrow:
Awards!
For me!
What could be more fun than that?!?
Stay tuned...
8 comments:
i think i like your fish...
and whoa, that didn't come out right.
That little smartass.
Maybe a little time swimming around the tiddy bowl while you mischeviously rest your had on the flusher would teach him a little respect.
That's like a "Scared Straight" class for fishes.
This reminds me of an old South Park episode I happened to catch a couple nights ago. It's from 1997 allegedly, which makes me feel old as fuck.
Anyway, it's the "Hella Cartman" episode where a doppleganger of Cartman shows up, wearing a goatee, and he's really nice to everybody, and he says "Hella" all the time.
Well, the secondary plotline concerns Stan and the fish that his Aunt Flo (who visits once a month and stays for 5-7 days) gave to him, and the fish kills people, whose bodies Stan's mother buries in the backyard.
So, yeah-- um... all this is to say... watch your ass.
I totally remember that South Park episode.
My snails talk to each other.
We are two creative peas in a pod. I feel sorry for you, as I am portly and you are svelte. I promise not to fart.
Oops.
My fish don't talk to me near often enough.
Mr. Rogers would have been a lot more fun to watch if he exchanged dialogue like that with his fish.
Oh, you don't know Mr. Rogers cause you're TOO YOUNG? Just Google him, then! ;-)
Stacie: That came out EXACTLY right
Ed: I love it. Although swimming in a toilet bowl is still probably preferable to sharing a tank with a dead cricket.
Apron: I vaguely remember that one. But I'd like to think that if the fish started killing people, I'd alert the proper authorities. Unless he killed me. And then I wouldn't. 'Cause I'd be dead.
Travis: You bring the pod, I'll bring the gas masks (I think I may have come up with a title for my novel)
Terri: Try taking drugs. Then they'll talk to you a WHOLE BUNCH
Elise: Calm down, I'm not THAT young. I remember watching Mr. Rogers. Sort of...
I had some smart ass fishies. AND, I had a shark that was taking care of business for me. We had a deal, he got blood worms and every time the smart asses got out of line he would nip at their fins. It was good. Then the shark got all cocky and lied, told me he had to kill some of them cause they were saying bad shit about me when I was gone. The frog told me he made that up that the shark had just gotten a God complex because I made him the warden, and that the fishies were all keeping their little fish lips shut.
I flushed the perpetrator down the toilet. Judge, jury, executioner!
No more smart ass comments!
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