Lily Presents: A Moments of Heightened Frustration, and Gummi Bears.

Right.

Today’s post was supposed to be a ginormous vent regarding the wedding and how little time I have left (eighteendaysbutwho’scounting), and, importantly, the giant “to do” list I created yesterday that took up an ENTIRE legal pad-sized page (and I write in tiny Lilliputian handwriting)

Vague Jonathan Swift Literary references?
Oh yeah, I went there.

BUT…
Since I've drawn a few more readers to my blog as of late…or…at least I think I did, but it’s hard to tell because Google Blogger apparently can’t get its shit together and display my followers…It would appear that I have to bring my A-game.
Or at least my B- or C-game.

Okay…D-game, minimum.
(And trust me, you DO NOT want the E-game, which I’m pretty sure is illegal in 7 states).

Luckily, I stopped for coffee at Dunkin Donuts this morning, which inevitably brings me a whopping dose of coffee euphoria and associated comedic nuance, so I think we’re golden.

Moving on…

Everybody needs at least 1 good arch nemesis; a Duke Sigmund Igthorn to their Gummi Bears, if you will.
What, you never watched Gummi Bears?
You were missing out, my friend. BIG TIME.

According to Wikipedia…
Ahem…
“The series focuses on the escapades of the eponymous "Gummi Bears," anthropomorphic bears who are the last remnants of a once-great civilization of Gummis that fled the land centuries ago when humans, jealous of the advancements and magical skills of the Gummi Bears, forced the species into exile.”

It’s true; we humans are a covetous people.

Jesus, I’ve digressed again.

ANYWAY…
Arch nemeses.
Get some. You won’t regret it.

One of mine?
Human Resources.
Ugh, I got a shiver up my spine just typing it.

I’m at that unfortunate time of year when my Annual Review is nigh. The problem is, if you have a somewhat functioning manager-employee relationship, Annual Reviews are 100% pointless.
She tells me to do shit, and I get ‘er done.
End of story, right? Everybody gets paid, the company stays afloat, and at the end of the day, we can each can go home and drink ourselves into comas in peace.

And yet, HR has come up with a million and one forms to dissect this relationship down to the most infinite detail.

This form has instructions like “What do you consider your strengths that you bring to the company?” and “Describe one area of your work where you feel immediate improvement is needed.”

And I’m all, “What’s the most diplomatic way of saying I'm infallible?”

So I complete the forms, all the while being filled with vile, putrid HATE for The Establishment because I’m a rebel without a cause, man, and you can’t bring me down.
And then I send them and sigh with relief because I can FINALLy get back to blogging…oops…I mean work.

But it’s never that easy when it comes to HR.
We know this, right?

So I get a call this morning from “HR Lady.” After the customary greetings, the conversation goes something like this…

HR lady: So, I got your Annual Review forms and they’re great, but I was wondering if you could do me a favor.
Me: [lips curling in disgust while sounding surprisingly chipper] Sure, what can I do for you?
HR lady: Well, in the Performance Self Evaluation section where you’ve rated your performance in different fields, I noticed that you only left comments in some of the areas.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. I wasn’t aware that you needed comments for each individual section.
HR lady: We don’t. It’s just that we encourage employees to explain why they’ve rated themselves a 3 or a 4 or whatever.
Me: Uh…so am I supposed to fill in each section with comments?
HR lady: Well, it’s not required, but we like to give employees a chance to explain their personal rating systems.
Me: So I should fill in the missing comment sections…..?
HR lady: We’d like you to, yes.

….

I really don’t think this conversation requires further explanation. If you can’t see how ridiculous this conversation is, then you MUST work for HR, and at this point, I’d like you to stop and desist reading this or all further blog postings, because you are, essentially, The Enemy.

*No, I’m not actually PLANNING on killing my HR representative, so don’t get your legal panties in a twist. Unless looks really CAN kill, in which case maybe she should be nervous. But if I found out I could actually kill people with my looks, I’d up and quit this bitch anyway to become an assassin, so there’d be no point in killing HR.

For the most part…