This week is ALL about the moments that make me want to throw things, in which I mimic the motion of flipping over a table wtih my two hands, while looking outraged.[1]
So, my phone died on Monday. Granted, I’ve had that phone for about 3 years now but seriously, since when is 3 years considered to be a long lifespan for any sort of technology? Remember VCRs? Those bitches lasted for decades. I’m willing to bet that if you went to your local dump (and really, who doesn’t enjoy a good visit their local dump?), found a VCR, and plugged it in, that shit would work.
Guaranteed.[2]
With my phone having gone the way of The Swayze (may he rest in peace, I would have carried his watermellon anywhere, if you know what I mean), it was time to visit the Verizon store, aka, Satan’s Doorway to Hell be added to Brian’s plan for the low, low price of $92374355930235904576593504854786908.99, minus the $50.00 rebate.
So we walk in. We check in on the screen (never a good sign), and are told to wait until our name is called.
While we wait, we peruse the phones.
Brian: How about this phone?
Me: It’s nice. Sure. Let’s get that one.
Brian: Don’t you want to look at any of the others?
Me: Does this one call and text people?
Brian: Yeah, but…
Me: Then it’s fine. Why the fuck haven’t they called your name yet?
I’m a joy to shop with, let me tell you.
FINALLY, they call us up. We go to the counter, explain why we’re there,[3] all the while the scumbag Verizon salesperson is nodding eagerly.[4]
“So, what kind of phone can I get with the plan?”
“Well, you can get the blah…blah..blah or the blah…blah..etc”
Whatever.
He mentions the EnV Touch, and I LOVE to touch things (get your head out of the gutter), so…perfect.
And then he rings us up and says the price and I’m all, “woah, woah, WOAH there, cowboy, why is it so expensive?!?!?”
And he says, “Well, you chose the EnV Touch, which is an extra $50.00”
“You didn’t TELL ME that it was an extra $50.00. Is there a cheaper phone?”
“Yes. You can get the EnV3 for $50.00 less.”
“Okay, I’ll take it.”
And then Brian’s all, “Um, don’t you want to at least look at it first to make sure you like it?”
And I was all, “Does it call and text people?”
...
He just stared at me. I’m sure he was wondering if it was too late to ask for the ring back.
So I choose the EnV3 in red, because it comes in either red or blue (aaah, the illusion of choice). And the guy starts to ring it up.
“For $50.00 more, you can get the accessory package.”
“No, that’s okay.”
“But it comes with a car charger, a headset, and a protective plastic case. You’ll save $30 compared to buying each item separately.”
“No, thanks.”
“It’s a really great deal. Don’t you talk on your phone in the car?”
“No.”
“Not at all?”
“Never. I got tired of hitting people.”
The guy just stared at me. It was the same look Brian just gave me.
I’m getting really sick of that look.
“How about internet service. It’s only an extra $15.00 a month”
“Nope, thanks, I’m good.”
“You sure? It comes in handy.”
I just stared at him.
HAH! Two can play at THAT game, mister.
“This phone also comes with 1 month of free GPS service. After the month is up, you can continue your service for only $9.99 a month.”
“Thanks. That’s…nice…of you.”
“You sure you don’t want the internet service?”
“I’m sure. Just ring me up.”
And but in my head, I’m screaming STOP TRYING TO TAKE MY MONEY YOU SOULLESS, BLOODSUCKING VERIZON BASTARD!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!!! [5]
So I left the Verizon store, an hour and a half later, with a new phone, but no accessory package or internet access.
And as far as I can tell, the world is continuing to spin on its axis.
At least, that’s what my 1-month complimentary GPS service is indicating…
1. Action copyrighted by my friend Pam. All rights reserved
2. I guarantee nothing, bitches
3. Brian explained why we were there. I just stood there looking bored.
4. Actually, he was pretty nice. But he works for Verizon, which automatically makes him a scumbag. Hey, I don’t make the rules up; I just follow them.
5. Verizon makes me all shoutey.
8 comments:
Phone places are THE WORST. W.O.R.S.T. I can't even explain how much I hate them.
Cell phones are a racket. that's why I still bang 2 sticks together.
Run, Brian, Run!
You sound like me shopping with my wife, except I always want the biggest, brightest, shineyest(?), most expensive thing. Okay, maybe we aren't that similar.
This post made me laugh. First of all, I hate Verizon, because I have to deal with them all the time for work because they are always screwing up are billing and they make me stabby.
I also like your "does it call & text" question, because that is basically all I want to do with a phone and I get really annoyed when Verizon people try to sell me fancy things that cost lots of money, especially when I am not even trying to buy anything.
Last summer I walked into Verizon, pushed buttons and looked at shiney things and left $200 poorer. I'm the reason salespeople thrive.
"Does it call and text people?"
We're in the process of buying a new oven, and that's what I'm going to ask the GE salesman.
You are in the zone! This is so funny!
I worked in cell phones for 2 years. I hated you.
I'm on the other side now.
I love you.
Just give them the blank stare the whole time. Those are the people that we assumed were too stupid to understand anything, so we wouldn't try to sell them internet. Or we'd call it, "cookies." "Would you like some cookies for your phone?" "Huh?"Just sign here, ma'am."
Verizon sucks ass!
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