ShopRite? More Like ShopWRONG! (otherwise known as The Worst Blog Title Ever)

Dear Second-Shift ShopRite Manager

You, sir, are a genius.

I am aware that this is an obvious statement, for clearly anyone who aspires to be a second-shift manager at ShopRite must have spent their scholarly years at the top of their class, always striving to be ahead of the curve, but I feel that this quality bears further mention, as I am completely blown away by your competence and depth of foresight.

For who else but a genius such as yourself would think to close all registers but one at 15 minutes to nine o-clock on a busy Sunday night, thus keeping us (20 customers, at least) trapped in the store for and indeterminable length of time. I can only guess at the method behind your madness, for a person of average intelligence like myself is unlikely to grasp such advanced methodology as yours. Perhaps it was to keep us shopping – and purchasing – for a long as possible. Perhaps you feared a late-night stampede towards the exit, and desired to slow our departure to prevent the inevitable crushing of bodies and certain death. Maybe you are just lonely in your ivory tower of superior intellect and wished to draw out your contact with the human species for as long as possible before you retired to your basement apartment to dine on Spaghetti-O’s and play World of Warcraft ‘till the wee hours of the morning.

I daren’t guess your motives.

All I know is that you succeeded in your aims (as you have succeeded in life), by keeping us 20-some-odd customers trapped in the store for upwards of half an hour while a single check-out person struggled to scan and bag groceries for an entire bus-load of customers stopping in to pick up critical items such as toilet paper and baby formula and dishwasher detergent.

Only a person of superior managerial skill would allow 3 other cashiers to stand around with you and observe this lone check-out girl as the line of customers grows to gargantuan proportions.

Only a person of unequivocal managerial excellence would forbid customers to use the self-checkout lanes, despite the back-up.

Only a person of advanced authority such as yourself would stand with these other check-out persons, observing the consumer pile-up, and have the gumption to announce that the store will be closing in 5 minutes and all purchases must be completed by nine o-clock.

Bravo, Mr. ShopRite Second-Shift Manager.
Bravo.

I can only hope to one day achieve the level of distinction that you have achieved by so skillfully driving your workforce to the upper echelon of customer service.

Until then?

I hope you get AIDS.

Sincerely,
A woman who mistakenly thought that running out for dish detergent on a Sunday night would take less than 30 minutes to accomplish.