Revenge of the '80s

An open letter to the fashion industry:

You guys…

I’ll be the first to admit, the 80s were a crazy time. Granted, I was born in ’82 and therefore experienced these years at an arm’s length at best, but there’s no doubt that the ‘80s had a certain charm; a jois de vive where everything that was flashy and ridiculous and 100% nonsensical was encouraged, from shoulder pads to flock of seagulls hairdos to sparkly glove (singular).
Legwarmers? Sure.
Headbands with giant floppy bows? Great.
Pleated stonewashed jeans matched with white high-top sneakers, a sparkly-blue blazer with rolled-up sleeves, and a skinny tie? You’re golden.

But, as the saying goes, all good things must come to an end.
Just as we abandoned cigarette holders and disco balls and bras (for a brief period in the 1960s), the ‘80s were meant to go the way of the dinosaurs, ending in a fiery explosion of flannel shirts and converse sneakers and dark-brown lipstick.
And AIDS, which I believe was the popular disease at the time.

And yet…

Relics of the ‘80s, zombified and sluttified for an arguably more “liberal” 21st century, are rising from the grave in a most disturbing way.

I was at the mall last night, which in itself is a bit of an oddity as I avoid both blatant commercialism and large crowds like the plague. But Brian needed a suit and mamma needed a new pair of shoes, so we stormed the mall on a mission to find the aforementioned garments. And as we passed the stores and passed them again on our trek between Macys and Norstroms, I couldn’t help noticing how…well…god-awful ugly the things in the windows were.

There was this:

And this:

And a whole lotta this:

And by the time I had finished my trip around the mall, I couldn’t help but notice that the 80s - despite burying them in the backyard in the middle of the night underneath the azalea bushes - were back from the dead.

Kind of like this:

But a while lot whoreyer and marketed to girls in their early teans.

This is not acceptable.
There is a REASON that the ‘80s were considered a decade of ridiculous fads to be made fun of forever as that time that “we all kind of lost our marbles,” wherein we reminisce and shake our heads with regret because we were so foolish back then.

People of the fashion industry: I IMPLORE YOU

Do not bring back the ‘80s.
Do not enter that creepy shop that you never noticed before and find a dusty book of spells in a forgotten corner and purchase said book with the intention of bringing the ‘80s back from the dead. Because as much as you miss the ‘80s? There is a REASON that it died and to bring it back in some unnatural form where it kinda resembles it’s old self but is inherently evil will undoubtedly be the end of our society as we know it.

You will regret it.
We all will.

Sincerely,
A concerned individual who WILL NOT SUCCUMB to the lure of the skinny jean.