Q&A With PMS

Wow, has it been a crazy couple of days! I've been movin' and shakin' and doing all sorts of things to try to pull my life back together.

Not like it had actually fallen apart, but on a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is living in a carboard box with a stray possum and a meth addiction and 10 is June-fucking-Cleaver, I'd say I was about a solid 4.

So, to catch up with myself a little bit, I thought it'd be nice to do an interview with myself - just to touch base and see how I'm doing.

Me: So, you've been really busy lately. What's going on in your life that's making you severely neglect your husband and miscellaneous pets?

Well, as you might recall, I got a part time job at a veterinary clinic last week and it's been challenging, to say the least. I've been trying to figure out their computer system and how to deal with nasty customers, and although I haven't burned the place down yet, I definitely cheerfully asked a couple who came in what time their appointment was for, and they announced through tears that they were here to put down their dog. I felt bad and all, but it wasn't on the schedule like it's supposed to be! How could I know?!? But I paid for it in the end, because the dog was...leaking...the whole time they were in the waiting room and I had to clean it up after they left. So I guess we're even.

Me: Wait a minute - didn't you quit your full-time job to become a freelance writer? What happened with that?

Oh man, I'm definitely trying my best to start my own freelance company, but I hit a major roadblock early on, and I'm not going to name any names, but if you A) have a company policy and B) ignore that policy and agree to use someone on a pretty regular basis, then for the love of god, DON'T BACK DOWN when people get all pissed off because you broke the rules for one person and not another, or the person who quit their job to work with you might sorta kinda get screwed.
Just sayin'.
But seriously, things are looking good and I have a few prospects. But these types of things take a while to get off the ground. So in the meantime? I clean up animal pee in a veterinary clinic.

Me: So when you're not busy starting your freelance business or NOT burning down the veterinary clinic, what have you been doing?

Well, it takes considerable effort to start a business and not burn things down, so there's not a lot of time left over. But when I'm not working I've been riding some horses and pretty much trying to subdue the chaos that is my house right now.

Me: Speaking of chaos, I hear you have a pretty difficult dog named Milo. How's he doing lately?

Well, he hasn't eaten anything of any real value or peed on my bed lately, so I'd say we're doing better. However, he just discovered that barking is a GREAT way to pass the time, so he's been doing that a lot lately. For, like, no reason whatsoever. He just barks. So I still may end up killing him, but in the meantime, at least he's not likely to ruin my tempurpedic mattress which, by the way, I love A LOT MORE than I love him. You hear that Milo? I love my MATTRESS more than I love you're stinkin' ass!

Me: Wow, you seem pretty stressed.

You're damn right I am! We have no money, and I'm presently learning how to do a whole new job while trying to figure out A) if I can hack it as a freelance writer, and B) If I can, how the hell do I attract more clients. This shit is rough, man! I'm pretty sure I'm getting an aneurysm. Or an ulcer. Or maybe it's just gas, but at any rate, I'm uncomfortable.

Me: What does your husband have to say about all of this?

He's great. He's 100% behind me and supporting me all the way, which is fantastic, because I couldn't do this without his help. Oh...and his health insurance. DEFINITELY couldn't do this without his health insurance. Love you, babe!

Me: Any big plans coming up?

Well, we're going skiing tomorrow, if that's what you mean. We found a great online deal on lift tickets, and in our house, when you've run out of money and have no prospects lined up, the best thing to do is to go skiing. Of course, this is only the second time I've been skiing (I've been forbidden from snowboarding), so I'm still in the pizza and frenchfries stage, but whatever - it's still better than breaking my wrist.

But if you were referring to, like, LIFE plans? No. No plans. Turns out, plans usually require money, and since we have none....well....let's just say that we don't get out much.

Me: If you could meet any historical figure, who would it be?

WHAT?!? What the hell kind of question is that? This interview is OVER.

Somebody get me a drink!