A Come-Uppance

It’s hard to be funny today.
I know that the goal of this blog is to entertain you crazy muh-fukkas, but I also use this blog as a place to come and sort out my thoughts and emotions. It’s a great thing in that it’s cheaper than therapy and healthier than substance abuse, but it also opens the door to some very private thoughts and feelings. The strangers who read this blog? It doesn’t phase me one bit that they might know my political opinions and what kind of underwear I’m wearing. But my friends and family? Well, I guess that muddles the picture a little bit.

Last night I learned that my father discovered my blog. And sure enough, he came across my Father’s Day post (although I can’t help but think he was digging for it, as it was buried under a month’s worth of other posts). It doesn’t bother me that much that he now knows exactly what I think of him. As my sister pointed out, this information had to come out eventually. And if he’s honestly surprised that our relationship isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, then he’s even more self-absorbed than I originally thought.

I’m more bothered by the fact that he entered, without permission, into my carefully-guarded world of fun and goofyness and mayhem. In the real world, my dad doesn’t get to see this side of me. He doesn’t get to see my dry wit and crazy perspectives and bizarre ramblings because, frankly, I don’t feel he deserves to witness that side of me. He only gets the surface-level of me, and considering his past behavior, he should be damn-well grateful that he even gets that. But now he’s peeked under the curtain and I can’t help but feel enraged that he encroached on my privacy. He’ll probably read this post as well, and all future posts in addition.
Fan-freaking-tastic.
I’d like to think that maybe he’ll get the message and leave my world well-enough alone, but when it comes to him behaving like an adult, I never hold my breath (or I’d have run out of oxygen a long time ago).

And now we have a “dinner date” set for Friday. He wouldn’t tell me what it was about on the phone—after all, it’s much more dramatic that way, which is exactly how he likes it. But I called my sister and she quickly filled me in on the details. He wants to discuss my post. And what should I expect from him? A sudden change in heart? An awakening of the soul? An admittance of guilt? Well, I have several ideas of how I’d like this conversation to go, but life has taught me a few things about my father that, at age 60-something, are unlikely to change.

So I have a terribly uncomfortable dinner to anticipate for Friday night, which is a huge imposition on the teeny tiny amount of free time that I have to spare, and is leaving a rock in my stomach because I know exactly how things are going to go down. And at the same time, I’ve been drudging up all of these bad feelings and memories about my father that has me feeling uneasy and depressed. And in the meantime I’ve been feeling slightly ill since Thursday (in a very weird way that is difficult to describe) and have to go to the doctor’s tomorrow to get some blood drawn. So all in all I’m angsty and irritable and not a lot of fun to be around....

Which is making my blog not fun to be around, and for that, I apologize.

Sorry for the post. I know it wasn’t entertaining, but I needed get my thoughts in order. Thanks for bearing with me.

Stay tuned tomorrow for our regularly scheduled hilarity.