The Squeaky Wheel Gets The Grease

...if by "squeaky" you mean "annoying as shit" and by "grease" you mean "free fucking food"

About a week ago, I was feeling a little cracked out. I don’t know if it was the Lyme disease coursing through my veins or some sort of dessert-associated euphoria, but I got all salty about my Tastykake of choice and felt the need to air my grievances to someone other than the cat (who is always too busy licking her lady bits to give two shits about my problems, which is why I’m a dog person).

You see, my Lyme diagnosis had me feeling pretty down, mostly because I was having a hard time standing upright. Brian, the loving boyfriend that he is, picked up two boxes of Tastykakes while at the store to put a smile on my face.

LOVE that man.

I don’t have a picture of it, but the Butterscotch Krimpet box had the Phillies logo plastered all over it. It was some sort of Pillies-themed, special-edition Butterscotch Krimpet hotness that initially had me wondering A) if the box was designed to commemorate the World Series, and B) what exactly the shelf-life of these bad boys are, because the Phillies won the world series, like, last October or some shit.

Assuming the Krimpets were packed with more preservatives than Cheese Wiz, I decided to stay the course. After all, these are Tastykakes we’re talking about here. So I opened the box and pulled out a package, and was surprised when it looked like this:



That is to say, normal. It looked like your average, every day Butterscotch Krimpet. I kind of looked back and forth between the fancy-schmancy box the the plain ole’ Krimpet a few times and decided that I was disappointed.

So disappointed, in fact, that I emailed the TastyKake headquarters (and really, are you that surprised?)

This is what I wrote:

Dear Tastykake
I want to start off by saying that I'm a huge fan. Seriously. I've actually told people that I will work for Tastykakes. THAT is how much of a fan I am of your products.
So when I saw your Phillies Butterscotch Krimpets, I was tickled because, hey, everybody loves variety. I was delighted with the package.
But when I opened the package, I saw that the butterscotch krimpets looked the same. Not that there's anything wrong with how they look, but when it says Phillies all over the box, you kind of expect for them to look a little different. I mean, would it kill you to put a red stripe on them or something? It can't possibly cost that much to add some food coloring to the icing. I dunno. It's just a little thing, but it would make a huge difference. From now on, might I suggest that when you advetise your products as some sort of "special edition" foodstuff, you actually change the appearance of the product somehow.
And while I have your attention, I might as well let you know that the PB&J tastykakes were god-awful. Seriously. I don't know who approved the sale of those monstrosities, but somebody needs to get fired for it. Exactly how many test-tasters were harmed in the making of those things? I couldn't get the taste out of my mouth for hours. HOURS. Just talking about it makes me dry heave a little.

Other than that, your products rock.
Keep on keepin' on.
Sincerely, A (rather opinionated) hardcore fan.

A few days ago, I had completely forgotten about the email (and my name, addresss, and whether or not I had remembered to wear pants to work), when I got a letter in the mail from Tastykake! I got all excited because I’m, like, 6 years old apparently.

This is what it said (my personal interpretations are in red)

Dear Lillian
Thank you for letting us know about your experience with our Tastykake products [Because you don’t just eat Tastykakes; you experience them]. We appreciate both the complimentary and critical comments from our consumers [we acknowledge that you just totally bitched us out but we have to be nice to you because the customer is always right]. Consumers like you help us to continue to work towards better products [we actually hate consumers like you]. Our goal is to deliver exceptional quality, everyday, in every Tastykake we make [if you knew what was in our Tastykakes, you would never eat one again]. We take this commitment very seriously [except for that time when the CEO’s brother-in-law, Ted, came up with the idea for PB&J Krimpets, for which we apologize profusely].

We do our utmost to bring a product to the consumer market that is pleasing to all [it’s all about the Benjamins]. We do understand that occasionally a product does not always satisfy [Nobody liked our PB&J Krimipets. Ted was fired]

Thank you for bringing this to our attention [Don’t ever write to us again]. Please use the enclosed coupon to replace you product with the Tastykake of your choice with our compliments [If you promise to never bother us again, we’ll give you a free Tastykake, fatty]. If you should have further questions or comments, please call our toll-free number 1-800-24-TASTY between the hour of 800 a.m. – 4:00 p.m [But don't actually call. We cannot emphasize this enough].

In summation, any company that supplies me with coupons for free shit is okay in my book. So Tastykake has retained a customer for life, and in return, I will continue to devour their product on a near-daily basis.

It’s a beautiful, beautiful relationship.

But seriously, don’t look at the ingredients.