For Sale, By Owner

I know puppies are supposed to be challenging, but this is getting ridiculous.

I could deal with the fact that Milo learned how to counter-surf and effectively ate half a loaf of home-made bread.

I could deal with the fact that Milo destroyed my barely-worn pair of Guess brown dress sandals.

I could even deal with the fact that Milo peed in the same spot so many times that his urine ate through the clear coat and saturated the wood of the living room floor, causing it to rot.

But this time, he has gone too far.

Last night, Brian was going about some random business in the living room when I heard the ominous “Oh.”
Followed by the even more ominous “Uhhh, sweetheart? You’re not going to like this.”

At which point my blood pressure instantly shot skyward and my eyes darted to Milo, who was happily dissecting one of his many stuffed animals on the dining room floor.

“Oh god,” I said, “What did he destroy now?”
I immediately pictured my riding boots, which had been carelessly left out on the floor the other day, mangled beyond recognition and saturated with saliva and urine.
“He didn’t get my boots, did he?”
“No,”
I breathed a sigh of relief.
“But you’d better come look at this.”

I walked into the living room, cringing, trying to anticipate whatever horror might await me.

At first, everything looked fine. I was momentarily relieved. And then Brian pointed to my grandmother’s chest, which had been placed in front of the picture-window next to the front door.

The arm-rest and several exposed corners had been eaten.
Shreaded.
Mutilated.

Long scars of splintery, unfinished wood against a background of dark finish.

MILO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“It gets worse,” he said, and pointed to the latticed window that spans the length of our living room.

Apparently Milo had climbed on top of the chest (once he had had his fill of vintage ‘60s pine), and proceeded to gnaw on one of the horizontal lattice pieces like one might gnaw on a cob of corn.

The same window that, should we need to replace it, will cost thousands upon thousands of dollars.

If you think that I was at a loss for words at this point, you’d be wrong. I had plenty of words. Lots and lots of words that are not allowed on daytime or primetime television. 4-letter words. The kinds that are typically shouted at the top of your lungs while chasing someone/thing around with a blunt object.

Which is exactly what I did.

Did I mention that Milo pees when he gets upset?

Oh, it was fun night, to be sure.

I don’t have pictures of the damage – I was too busy telling Milo that I was going to put him in the blender. But suffice to say, he is a bad, BAD dog.

So if anybody is looking for a 7-month-old puppy (breed unknown but possibly a goat/hyena/beaver mix) with a penchant for wood, shoot me an email. He comes with a leash, collar, food, and bones.

Oh.
And one (slightly damaged) vintage '60s wooden chest.