The Times, They Are A Changin'

Did someone tattoo a big ole’ “AVAILABLE” on my forehead or something?
(It seems like I’d remember something like that, but you never know).

I have been positively inundated with thinly veiled flirtations and offers of sexual indiscretions over the past week. If only I had gotten this much attention in highschool – I might have had an entirely different life including numerous backseat rendezvous and the inevitable teen pregnancy.

But alas, I was a nobody in highschool. A girl whose nose was a bit too big and whose hair never hung right. I had a bad sense of style and a preference for late-night street sign stealing with my best guy friends over manicures and spa days. I wasn’t exactly a tomboy, but I wasn’t exactly prom queen either. I was one of those unfortunate souls caught in the middle, noticed by few, remembered by even fewer.

Until this week, and then SHIZAM every guy I went to highschool with is becoming my Facebook friend and not-so-cleverly asking me what my dating status is and telling me that they always liked me in highschool.

Yeah, right. You’ve always liked me…for the past 30 seconds when you saw my facebook picture and noticed that I’m not a homely little fug-face like I used to be.

Not that I’m anything spectacular now, but I’m a hell of a lot better looking than I used to be. And compared to a lot of women my age – you know, the ones with the sloppy boobs and the vapid stares who had one too many SoCo & Limes and are starting to slur their words and talk really loudly about how hungry they are, and then they spill their drink on their friend and start laughing hysterically until they vomit on themselves? – well, compared to them, I’m a freaking prize and a half.

So despite the fact that my Facebook status is “in a relationship,” and despite the fact that my page is plastered with pics of Brian and me, and despite the fact that the VERY FIRST thing I say to them when they pop up on Facebook chat is that “me AND MY BOYFRIEND are doing great,” they still come back with the following comments:

Wow, you’ve really changed since highschool.
Didn’t we used to hang out? We should get together sometime.
What’s the story with you and your boyfriend?
It looks like you work out a lot.

Guys: let me give you a little advice. You might have been a stud in highschool, but in the real world, the ability to eat 15 lbs of potato salad in one sitting is not going to exactly win over the ladies.

So, boys of the class of 2000, if you’re looking for a V to put your P, you’ve come to the wrong place. I really don’t care that you remember me from highschool. I really don’t care that you’ve broken up with your girlfriend. And I absolutely without a doubt don’t care that you’re currently married to a woman who is treating you poorly (good lord, dude, you need some marriage counseling). Your relationship status is none of my concern.

Your pick up lines, however, are. Quite frankly, they're terrible.

Your mother would be ashamed.

Go getchoself a nice sloppy bar chick and have at it (she’ll probably eat those lines up, btw), and I will go home to my wonderful boyfriend who, if nothing else, has way better pick-up lines then you’ll ever come up with, involving fire hoses and references to me being hot.

Gotta love those firemen!