I was visiting my friend Jamie’s blog, and she produced this notable piece of algorithm excellence:
Where amI supposed to eat, according to this amazing choose-your-own-food-adventure icon?
Red Lobster.
Not sure if it’s entirely accurate (although no doubt, I will eat the SHIT out of a cheddar biscuit), but I found I was greatly limited by the fact that A) I don’t live near the “good” mall, and B) I’m not obese.
Bummer.
And then when I realized that there was a ninja question at the end, I automatically changed my destiny restaurant to Benihana.
Because everybody knows that ninjas can’t be contained by algorithms.
Too bad they didn’t ask that question up front, or I could have skipped all that extraneous bullshit about whether I’m high (I wish…) or can stand Guy Fieri (Who?...
…okay, now that I’ve googled him, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!? What’s with the hair? His head looks like an albino porcupine that is having a serious static cling problem.
Guy Fieri? Try GAY Fieri! *rimshot*)
You might find it surprising that ninjas eat at Benihanas, because, duh, isn’t that kind of obvious? But that’s exactly what we WANT you to think, because ninja codes states that the best place to hide is exactly where people expect to find you.
Admit it…I just blew your mind.
Thus, we ninjas dine on reasonably priced hibatchi, safe in the knowledge that everybody thinks we’re hiding out at the Olive Garden.
And seriously, guys.
SHONEY’S?!?!?
Dude, my grandparents totally used to take me to that place back in the day when they would drive me and my sister down to Florida to visit our cousins. Man, I thought that place was da BOMB, mostly because my grandparents would let us eat all the donuts we could bring back in one trip to the buffet. Honestly, with all the sugar they used to let us eat, I’m a little surprised she and I don’t have type 2 diabetes, but hey…whatever. They’re the ones who had to put up with two over-stimulated children in the back seat of their car for 16-plus hours.
So there you have it:
A helpful, truly informative blog by yours truly.
Here’s hoping that today’s blog is better received than yesterday’s blog, and note to self: novel excerpts go over like a lead balloon.
No, seriously, guys, I don’t mind AT ALL that I only got 3 comments yesterday. Not ONE BIT. I certainly DIDN’T lose all confidence in my writing ability thanks to your less-than-stellar response, and IN NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM went home and cried into a tub of cookie dough.
Nope.
I’m cool.
Not feeling insecure AT ALL.
Too bad they don’t have a restaurant option for “are you a terrible writer?”
It’d probably lead me to Old Country Buffet, because everybody knows that Old Country Buffet is where dreams to go die.
Well, that, and old people...
9 comments:
I have yet to read yesterday's post.. so sorry, i've been having a hard time coming up with innapropriate things to say.
Anyhow, that chart thing was a good laugh and I was falling as I was going down (TWHS). I didn't see a McDonald's in there, where dreams and health truly go die.
Ssshhhh!
Don't be divulging our ninja secrets.
That can cause you to get thrown out of the order.
And have longer wait times for tables.
Hi, I'm Dan. Long time reader, first time commenter. I just want to say that:
A) This is awesome! Even though I'm Canadian and we don't have 90% of these restaurants, I will still use this any time I am in the States.
B)I don't like to read novel excerpts. It's no offense to you. I mean, I know already that you are an amazing writer, otherwise I wouldn't read you everyday. I just hate reading something that:
1. I don't know what came before, and
2. I don't know what came after.
In other words, give me the finished novel and I will read it, and give you my honest to god opinion on it, although whay you would want that, I have no idea. I just don't like consuming it in bits and pieces.
Fear not, Lily! You will never go to Old Country Buffet. You are destined for greater things.
i was overwhelmed w/ awesome-osity at yr hilarious posts! :D
i'm not sure if want to eat at California Pizza Kitchen though
I totally went straight to the bottom, even though I'm fat and don't live by the good mall.
I <3 funny Lily! I <3 Lily the writer too. I think I even licked your face yesterday bitch!
I didn't comment on your novel excerpt cause I was too busy hating you for your talent!!
There's another algorithm going around regarding breakfast cereals. That one's pretty funny.
Hi.
I'm not going to comment about my comment about your novel excerpt except to say "pulsating cumblanket."
And, I'd read the whole thing if you emailed it to me.
Also-- I've never eaten at Red Lobster. Their commercials tempt me, but I fear I know the truth: the shrimp are really made of styrofoam and the lobster is a pink sponge.
Right?
Looks like Bennigan's or Houlihan's for lunch. Although, I'm sure I could get just as toasted at Hooters or Applebee's.
I have seen ninjas hiding out at Olive Garden btw. They crouch in those decorative plants and steal breadsticks from my table when I'm not looking.
Post a Comment