I'm Not Above Eating a Coworker

You know how a person, when stuck in a survival-type situation (like they get separated from their guide on an Amazonian hike or their plane crashes into the side of a mountain and they have to survive for a ridiculous amount of time by eating people and wearing seat covers), can be amazingly strong? Like, they just put their nose to the grindstone and keep going and it doesn’t really matter that a jaguar ate half of their leg, they’re just positive they’re going to get out of this, so they keep pressing forward until they reach civilization?

But then later, when they recall the tale, they get all weepy and can’t believe that they really survived? Like, all that repressed emotion that was useless and therefore suppressed during the emergency comes bubbling to the surface?

Well work, to me, has kind of gotten to this point, in that work was something to be survived, and now that the end is near, all of the emotions that would have compromised my ability to survive are now free to be expressed. Also, in that I would have no qualms eating a coworker if it came down to it.

But these emotions…they’re really out of control.

As in, if I pass you in the ladies’ room or get stuck with you in the elevator, there is a 4 out of 5 chance I’m either saying something derogatory to you or seeing you meet some horrible death that involves any combination of fire ants, helicopter blades, Medieval-times catapults, ninja throwing stars (obviously), or pianos hanging out of two-story windows.

In my head, of course, because can you seriously imagine how that would go down in real life?

Coworker: Good morning. Did you enjoy your day off?
Me: Not as much as I’m about to enjoy THIS, motha-fuckah.

And then I whip out the ninja stars and throw them octopus style, and they’re all Why? Why would you do this to me?, and I’m all THAT’S for forgetting to put the project ID number on the folder, ass-face. And by the way, that top makes you look fat.

And then I would walk out of the elevator and exit the building into a glorious sunset, never to return again.

But instead, I just say “yes, thanks.” And as soon as they turn their backs, I give them a dirty look, because the last time I threw my ninja stars, things ended badly for me, and I’m not going back, man.

And it doesn’t help that I get these RIDICULOUS emails from coworkers with way too much time on their hands, who mistakenly believe that I truly appreciated the ingenuity of their crocheted cornucopia last month (with individually crocheted pumpkins and eggplants 'n shit), when really, I was only saying I liked it to point out the fact that I really felt to the contrary, like when somebody gets an awful haircut, and when you see it, the first thing out of your mouth is “wow, I like your haircut,” when they actually look like a retarded poodle because really, what else are you going to say? The damage has already been done…

So I got this email today:

From: [stupid coworker]
Subject: You are invited to a private unveiling

Crocheted penguin and reindeer in my office.
Stop by any time :-)

Which means that – oh my god – I’ve been officially placed on the “People who think my crocheted shit is totally awesome” list.

And I SO want to take those little crocheted penguins and reindeers and shove them down her throat, but instead, I’ll have to go all the way down to the first floor and “ooh” and “aah” at them, because when you work in an office, this is what you do: You pretend that you have things in common with people who have absolutely nothing in common with you to the point that they are practically a different species in order to keep the peace.

And an unfortunate side effect of keeping the peace is not being able to roundhouse kick certain individuals in the face.

Which is why His Lordship Chuck Norris, a man, nay, a LEGEND who is celebrated for a number redeeming personality traits, is not known for keeping the peace.

Because in the real world, roundhouse kicks to the face are the answer to everything.

So this is essentially what has been going on in my head since my first internship at my first corporate job all those years ago. Except I didn’t really know I felt so strongly about it, save for the occasional bouts of corporate sabotage and daydreams of throttling a meeting planner or two.

Which just goes to show that the mind is an amazing thing.

But that whole “not above eating a coworker” thing?
Yeah, I knew that from day one.

Pass me the salt, bitches.