I Love the Smell of Democracy in the Morning

At long last, my What’s the Most Offensive Thing I Said In May? poll is closed.
Aaah, democracy.
15 people voted in this poll. To those of you who voted, may the Gods smile upon you for the rest of your years. You are an asset to this blog–nay, to this country–nay to the very world we live in. I salute you.
To those of you who did not vote (and you know who you are), you should be hanging your heads in shame. I’m very, very disappointed in you. Rest assured, you will NOT be receiving a muffin basket any time soon. Not from THIS blogger. No way, Jose.

Moving on…

I’m happy to announce that the most offensive thing I said in May was “Grade IV Rectal Tear.” Jesus, you guys. The anus is part of the human body, which is a wondrous, beautiful thing. What do you have against anuses (anusi?) Freud would have a field day with you guys. He’d probably tell you that you were all potty trained too young and therefore you associate your anus with being forced to grow up too fast. Then again, he’d probably tell you all that you have penis envy (yes, even the guys), because that was his schtick.

Come to think of it, Freud was one crazy mother fucker. And didn’t he have a cocaine problem too?
But I’ve digressed…

This vote was followed closely by “I’m A Dick Cheney Fan,” which means that my blog is followed by a bunch of bleeding-heart liberals. Good. Republicans are no friend of mine. But more importantly, it means that my blog is followed by humans. That’s even better. Anybody who says, “I’m a Dick Cheney fan” is obviously a secret agent for the aliens/lizards of the underworld who are planning a hostile take-over of the planet. They probably don’t blink either. If anybody says that to you, you must stab them in the heart with a #2 pencil; it’s the only way to kill them.

Two my readers took offense to the phrase “My Other Car Is A Moustache Ride.” Which means that you’re either lesbians or anti-sex, and either way, you’re just no fun at all. I mean, have you ever even tried a moustache ride? Beard ride? Any type of face ride at all?
I have two words for you: Good. Times.
Pull the stick out of your ass, and go get yo’self a man with a moustache, beard, or face. You probably won’t be disappointed.

[Sidenote: mom, if you’re reading this, I have no idea what I’m talking about. I swear]

Someone out there didn’t like it when I said, “Nothing Says ‘Vacation’ Like Cannibalism.” I can only assume that this person lost a loved one to a cannibal attack. Or possibly a zombie attack. Dude: that sucks. I can’t guarantee you that I’ll never eat the flesh of another human being, but I’ll try to minimize the cannibalism references from here on out. (But not the zombie references, because everybody knows that zombies rock)

Oh, crap, I just did it again. Sorry. I swear, that was the last time.

Dude, I swear, that totally just slipped out. Last time. Pinky swear.

Finally, one of you objected to my saying “The PRs Are Ruining This Country.” In all actuality, I never said this phrase. My grandmother did. Which means that this person is essentially talking smack about my grandmother. WTF?!? Do you have nothing better to do than to harass little old ladies? NOBODY talks smack about my grandmother (other than me, obviously)! I oughta kick your ass!!! You are hereby BANNED from my blog.
And let this be a lesson to you all…
If you want to make fun of my grandmother for seeing a dog shit on the top of a car, you’ll have to get through ME first.
And I know karate.

In summary, it would appear that my blog is followed by a bunch of anal-retentive, pro-abstinence, cannibal-fighting, left-wing lesbian humans who like making fun of old people.

Definitely my kinda crew…