OMGWTFBBQ

Last night, I had a dream where the HR woman from work called me to say “we know you have a funeral to attend today, so we won’t expect to see you in the office.”

In the dream, I was about to state that they were misinformed and that nobody close to me had died, but quickly thought better of it and simply said, “Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow.” I was then suddenly filled with the elation that one feels when they have a sudden snow day or are otherwise unexpectedly excused from school/work/etc.

Then the alarm went off.
Son of a....

It was a horrible, HORRIBLE way to start a Monday, to be sure. But I will say that if someone in my family dies in the next week, I will officially declare myself as a Psychic Medium Extraordinaire and quit my day-job to host some hokey daytime TV show where I help people communicate with their dead loved ones.

OOH! OR…Better yet, I could take it the Jerry Springer route and help people ARGUE with their dead loved ones:

SHAQUAN: I want to tell my sister that I love her and I miss her…but he was my man first!
ME: Shaquan says that he don’t love you and she’s havin his baby.

*Shaquan throws a chair. Chaos ensues.

How awesome would that be? I’m officially copywriting that beeyatch.

And speaking of trash…Brian and I went down to Atlantic City this Saturday to do some shopping at the outlets and HOLY GOD were there some scary-looking folk walking around. There were obese people. There were ghetto-fabulous people. There were homeless people and crazy people and even one crossing guard who I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt was an alien. Now, why an alien would choose to come to Atlantic City and work as a crossing guard is beyond me, but there is no question that that man/woman/thing was not from this planet. I guess the economic recession has officially reached the outer recesses of our universe.

Thanks, Bush, you f*cking Texas ass-clown (Ya like that asterisk? That was for you, Mr. Apron. Now stop f*cking raining on my G*d-Damn parade).

But other than the freak show we were walking amongst, it was a nice day. A coworker met us for drinks in the afternoon and, honestly, is there anything more fun than daytime drinking?

Actually, the answer to that question is: Yes. The only thing more fun than daytime drinking is daytime drinking followed by daytime shopping. As a result, a green dress was purchased. I don’t remember what it looked like when I tried it on, but I do remember feeling fabulous, so it’s now in my closet. SWEET! And don’t hate on me for drinking and shopping – I’m sure I fit in nicely with the other women in the dressing rooms, three of which were having a loud conversation about someone’s Baby-Daddy who was sleeping with another member of their circle of friends.

I think.

It’s hard to be sure.

Unfortunately, Daytime Drinking and Daytime Shopping leads to the infamous Premature Hangover at 7:00 pm, so it was an early night for me. Sunday was, in a word, Awesome. Milo the Destructor let me sleep ‘till 8:00. The weather was gorgeous. Brian had a softball double-header and they won both games, which, I believe, is the first and second time they won this year. I also managed to make muffins without ruining them, which is about as likely as Brian’s softball team winning a game. And then there was the canoe ride, in which Milo the Destructor finally proved that he was worth rescuing from the shelter. Yeah, the odds were definitely in our favor yesterday.

And now it’s Monday and nobody in my family has died, so I’m stuck in this office writing Needs Assessments for acute coronary syndrome (or ACS, as we who are "in the know" refer to it as. And by in the know, what I actually mean is those of us who have no effing clue what they are doing but still somehow by the grace of God still have a job). Jesus, I’m so sick of acronyms. Everything in the medical world has an acronym. There are actually medical websites where you can type in an acronym to see what it really stands for. Most times, there are at LEAST 15 results. It’s so gay.

So here’s my acronym for the day:

OMGWTFBBQ.

It involves two exclamations, and a delicious way of preparing your food. It’s perfect.

Happy Monday, folks.