Whoo, boy. This is embarassing.
Carmen Electra kicked my ass.
Well, Carmen Electra’s personal trainer kicked my ass.
Well, a DVD featuring Carmen Electra and Carmen Electra’s personal trainer kicked my ass.
It was all because I was about to work out in the basement with my Cardio Kickboxing DVD and Brian was all, “I think I have a Carmen Electra Strip Tease Workout DVD in the attic” and I was all, “Why in the hell do you have a strip tease workout DVD???” and he was all, "It was my Ex’s” and I was all, “I thought your Ex was an Ice Bitch. Why would she own a DVD like that?” and he was all, “That’s why it’s still in the original packaging.”
Is it wrong that I get a sick satisfaction from using stuff that used to belong to her?
It’s like, First I gotcho Man, and now I’m using your DVD, BEEYATCH
Not surprisingly, 4 out of 5 people surveyed think I should go back on Prozac.
Moving on…
He went up in the attic and I heard all this rummaging and thumping and suddenly this DVD falls from the hole in the ceiling like God was giving me a gift.
Except…this gift featured a torso and headshot of Carmen, photo-shopped to hell, standing amid a fluorescent rainbow filled with twinkling stars. As a result, her expression was one of someone who had taken a shit in their pants and was mildly upset about it, but not really, because their personal assistant would take care of the mess and wipe their ass for them. So they’re already over it and thinking about what they’re going to have for lunch.
See what I mean?
So, I take the DVD and go downstairs after threatening Brian with life and limb if he so much as thinks about going downstairs to watch me strip.
Because if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times. I am a LADY, God-dammit.
After completing the 30-minute workout, I have three things to say about the aforementioned DVD.
1. Despite the fact that the DVD is called Fit to Strip, there was no stripping going on at any time during the workout. This is false advertising. At one point Brian came downstairs in direct defiance to my command because he had so-called laundry to do. Yeah, right buddy. I’m on to you. However, much to his chagrin, he was met only with a slightly sweaty woman doing crunches on her yoga mat. The disappointment was tangible. On both ends.
2. The workout itself was decent. Although I barely broke a sweat at the time, the next day, walking was mucho difficult. And I consider myself to be a reasonably fit person, so for me to work out for 30 minutes and be practically crying the next day…well…that’s something. However, I will give NONE of this credit to Carmen, because the DVD pretty much featured her personal trainer instructing us on what to do while she stood to his left, doing the exercises and complaining about how hard they were. I don’t even know why she bothered to show up for the taping.
3. If I ever, EVER, show up to work out in a pink velour sweat set sporting heavy make-up and pigtails, please kill me in the most violent way you can think of. Seriously. It's a proven fact that the older you are, the sluttier/trashier the pigtails are. Then again, what did I expect from a DVD sporting Carmen’s botoxed mug and (falsely) advertising about stripping? So in that sense, I guess the pigtails were appropriate, but if she was going for the slutty/trashy stripper look, she might as well have put on some booby tassels and stripper heels.
Then, at least I would have gotten a good chuckle watching her try to do lunges on 3 inches of lucite.
Carmen Electra kicked my ass.
Well, Carmen Electra’s personal trainer kicked my ass.
Well, a DVD featuring Carmen Electra and Carmen Electra’s personal trainer kicked my ass.
It was all because I was about to work out in the basement with my Cardio Kickboxing DVD and Brian was all, “I think I have a Carmen Electra Strip Tease Workout DVD in the attic” and I was all, “Why in the hell do you have a strip tease workout DVD???” and he was all, "It was my Ex’s” and I was all, “I thought your Ex was an Ice Bitch. Why would she own a DVD like that?” and he was all, “That’s why it’s still in the original packaging.”
Is it wrong that I get a sick satisfaction from using stuff that used to belong to her?
It’s like, First I gotcho Man, and now I’m using your DVD, BEEYATCH
Not surprisingly, 4 out of 5 people surveyed think I should go back on Prozac.
Moving on…
He went up in the attic and I heard all this rummaging and thumping and suddenly this DVD falls from the hole in the ceiling like God was giving me a gift.
Except…this gift featured a torso and headshot of Carmen, photo-shopped to hell, standing amid a fluorescent rainbow filled with twinkling stars. As a result, her expression was one of someone who had taken a shit in their pants and was mildly upset about it, but not really, because their personal assistant would take care of the mess and wipe their ass for them. So they’re already over it and thinking about what they’re going to have for lunch.
See what I mean?
So, I take the DVD and go downstairs after threatening Brian with life and limb if he so much as thinks about going downstairs to watch me strip.
Because if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times. I am a LADY, God-dammit.
After completing the 30-minute workout, I have three things to say about the aforementioned DVD.
1. Despite the fact that the DVD is called Fit to Strip, there was no stripping going on at any time during the workout. This is false advertising. At one point Brian came downstairs in direct defiance to my command because he had so-called laundry to do. Yeah, right buddy. I’m on to you. However, much to his chagrin, he was met only with a slightly sweaty woman doing crunches on her yoga mat. The disappointment was tangible. On both ends.
2. The workout itself was decent. Although I barely broke a sweat at the time, the next day, walking was mucho difficult. And I consider myself to be a reasonably fit person, so for me to work out for 30 minutes and be practically crying the next day…well…that’s something. However, I will give NONE of this credit to Carmen, because the DVD pretty much featured her personal trainer instructing us on what to do while she stood to his left, doing the exercises and complaining about how hard they were. I don’t even know why she bothered to show up for the taping.
3. If I ever, EVER, show up to work out in a pink velour sweat set sporting heavy make-up and pigtails, please kill me in the most violent way you can think of. Seriously. It's a proven fact that the older you are, the sluttier/trashier the pigtails are. Then again, what did I expect from a DVD sporting Carmen’s botoxed mug and (falsely) advertising about stripping? So in that sense, I guess the pigtails were appropriate, but if she was going for the slutty/trashy stripper look, she might as well have put on some booby tassels and stripper heels.
Then, at least I would have gotten a good chuckle watching her try to do lunges on 3 inches of lucite.
5 comments:
Now you are fit to strip! Ha! I think you should post some pics of yourself in pink velour and pigtails.
That's totally like the Bender Ball workout DVD. I didn't think it was too bad while I was doing it, but I couldn't move my stomach for days.
Quite the surprise when I tried to sit up the next morning. haha
Nice post!... piggy tails... how lame. She's not even that pretty, to begin with.
Nevermind my CE ripping, just being vile.
I would have been highly entertained if the DVD turned out to be Carmen hyper-fucking the personal trainer or something like that.
While pooping.
And eating quesadillas.
Anya: not in this lifetime, sorry.
Jeanette: I might just have to go out and get the bender ball - as long as Carmen Electra isn't involved in any way, shape, or form
Pork: I agree. Fugly.
Apron: Gross, Gross Gross! (although I'm intregued by the concept of combining my two loves: quesadillas and sex)
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