In Case You’re Wondering About the Tin-Foil Hat…

So, my boyfriend can read my mind.

You’d think that there’s no way that this could be a bad thing (read: bedroom shenanigans), but it can be, and I’ll tell you why:
I can’t keep a GD thing secret to save my life.

Not that I keep any secrets from him. He and I are on that comfortable level where nothing is hidden and everything is fair game. If he wants to know something, all he has to do is ask me and I’ll tell him, whether he really wants to know the answer or not (hey, don’t ask me why I was in the bathroom for so long unless you’re prepared to hear the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth).

Which is why I should have kept my big fat mouth shut when bragging about his secret birthday plans. After he took me to the Ice Hotel for my birthday this past winter, I knew I had to bring in the big guns. Unfortunately, the big guns also needed to be relatively inexpensive (because we own two POS cars and a basement that is prone to flooding) and relatively close (because I have very few vacation days left). So, essentially I had to think up some fantastic adventure that could be played out in the tri-state area.

Now, I don’t know if you have ever been to the tri-state area, but let me tell you, adventures are hard to come by. Let’s just say that we are not known for our outdoor activities. Other areas of the country have zip-lining and caving and mountain climbing and all these exciting, innovative ways to spend your time. In New Jersey? Yeah, we’ve got the pine barrens and the Jersey Shore. The stinking, crowded, dirty shore. Granted, stepping on a hypodermic needle can lead to an adventure, but an adventure with the HIV isn’t quite what I was going for. New Jersey is, if nothing else, AIDS-tastic.

So I was racking my mind to come up with something great to do with little success, until a coworker came in on Monday and told us about a fantastic thing she had done over the weekend:

Hot Air Ballooning.

Bingo.

It was perfect. Relatively inexpensive, within an hour’s drive, and – best of all – completely out of left field. He’d never expect it!

I went home last night with a shit-eating grin on my face and announced to Brian that I had figured out what we were going to do for his birthday. Of course I wouldn’t tell him what it was, because he and I are notorious for keeping vacation and birthday plans hidden until the last possible second. Brian went so far as to start packing for me when he took me to Quebec, until I convinced him that he couldn’t possibly anticipate all of my clothing and hygiene needs (it takes a lot of work to get me this gorgeous), and therefore HAD to tell me where we were going so that I could pack appropriately.

So of course when I came home, I taunted him with this information. I dared him to guess, even told him that I would tell him flat out if he guessed correctly. This is how positive I was that he would never figure out my plans.

Of course, we all know where this is going.

(Birthday Surprise FAIL in 3…2…1…)

Wouldn’t you know it, the first f*cking thing out of his mouth is “Hot Air Balloon Ride.”

Son of a…

I was actually so shocked that he had guessed correctly that I was literally speechless. Being a writer, I have a word for everything, so when I’m left speechless, it’s no small deal. I was so surprised that I couldn’t even begin to act like he had guessed wrong, thereby keeping my surprise intact.

Nope, I just stood there with my mouth open like an idiot.

So if you’re wondering what the tin-foil hat is about, it’s there to prevent Brian from reading my brain waves. I’m all up for an open, honest relationship and everything, but reading my mind is going a bit too far.

Also, if any of you have ideas for his Birthday, bring ‘em on, because lord knows I’m back to the drawing board again.