Be The Shark

Unless you live under a rock, you are probably aware that it’s Shark Week on the Discovery Channel, aka, the most wonderful time of the year.

I’m not gonna lie; I look forward to the bloodbath that is Shark Week each and every year.

Learn about the newest shark repellant technology?

Yes, please.

See footage of a great white charging up from the briny depths to attack a decoy seal with a camera in the belly?

Oh HELL yes.

Watch a bad movie on the 1916 Matawan River shark attacks?

Bring it on, bitch (NJ be representin’).

Ever since I watched Jaws at the tender age of 7, I’ve been fascinated with sharks (once I realized that they’re incapable of getting through the bathtub drain, that is).

Sharks are prehistoric. They’re lean, mean, eating machines that finished their evolutionary journey millions of years ago due to their highly efficient nature. They are what humans failed to ever achieve: perfect function living in perfect balance with their ecosystem (until Homo Sapiens arrived in the scene and started fucking their shit up with the fishing and whatnot. But then again, that’s kind of how we roll. Players be hatin’).

Tracy Morgan, in his wisdom, once said, “Live every week like it’s shark week!”

So, in honor of the occasion, I will take his advice to heart and spend this week living like a shark.
Ooh, this is gonna be fun.

Sharks have excellent eyesight, but they also rely on a battery of electrical signals to locate their prey. These sensors usually are located on the tip of their face; their nose, if you will. Since they have a nose, and I have a nose, I think it’s safe to assume that I have the same sensors, likely dormant from lack of use. This week, I will blindfold myself so that these sensors have an opportunity to avail themselves in the search of prey. I will roam the office, blindfolded, using my nose to locate a suitable meal. And if my nose should happen to lead me to the nearest cupcake…well…all the better.

Should I find an appropriate meal, I will then approach it in the manner of a shark. I will first circle it suspiciously, slowly closing in to get a better sense of what I am about to eat. I might even bump it a few times with my elbow to test the waters (pun absolutely intended). Once I decide that my target is edible, I will approach it head on and sink my teeth into it, give it a few lateral shakes (to allow my serrated teeth to cut through flesh and bone or, in this case, vanilla cake and buttercream icing), and swallow whatever I can bite off without chewing. However, if my target is clearly identifiable from a long distance and swiftly moving, I will increase my speed and charge it head-on with no warning. Mouth open, I will collide with my target and bite down whatever happens to be between my teeth. I will devour the rest as soon as I am capable.

I am aware that this experiment is likely to be messy, and could potentially result in asphyxiation. Therefore, I will need to be outfitted with a poncho (or at least a bib), and will require a “shark buddy” to perform the Heimlich maneuver should I begin to choke (as chewing isn’t really an option). This buddy will also need to assist me in navigating my terrain, should the electrical sensors in my nose fail to direct me in the proper direction.

Any volunteers?

Payment will be all the fish/squid/seal/sea turtle you can eat, and this beautiful T-shirt featuring 3 sharks howling at the moon.

Please note that there is no guarantee that I will not to bite you (because after all, I am a shark). However, once I realize that you are not “food,” I will release you, so you probably won’t die*

So, if you think of you're up to the task of helping me "live this week like it's shark week," please email me. I'll be waiting to hear from (and possibly eat) you.

*All volunteers are recommended to receive a tetanus shot.