Credit Card Abuse

You know what feels great?
When your credit card company does you up the bum without lube.

And you thought this would be another wedding post…

The other night, I called my credit card company (without dropping names, it rhymes with Shmamerican Shmexpress) to find out when my APR would increase from 0% (as promised for the first 12 billing cycles) to 9.99% (the guaranteed rate after the first 12 billing cycles).

So you can imagine my horror when the Shamerican Shmexpress representative, with his heavily accented voice, informed me with all the outsourced authority that he could muster that my APR rate was currently 17.99%.

Okay.

I know I don’t go over my credit card bill with a fine-toothed comb, mostly because A) I use my debit card for just about everything, and B) I’m a lazy POS.
But I DO know that I’ve never missed a payment or even come close to reaching my maximum credit line.
I also know that my credit score is excellent, and I have almost no outstanding debt attached to my name.

So, Mr. Shamerican Shmexpress representative, could you please explain how the fuck my APR increased from 0%, where it should be, past 9.99%, where it was promised to be capped, to 17.99-god-damn-percent?!?

His speech began with,
“In November 2008, certain legislature was passed…”
Or, at least I think that’s what he said, because let’s face it, he lives in India and his grasp on English is rudimentary, at best.

So he went on for about 10 seconds, and I was all “Wait, wait, wait. So you’re telling me that because some law was passed in 2008, your company just arbitrarily increased my APR rate?!?”

*pause

“You were informed of this change via mail” (I think)
“Well, I never got anything”
“It was included with your statement” (or…it was incubated in your data mint?)
“But I haven’t DONE anything wrong. I’ve never missed a payment!”
“Deejay what you never saw”(Read: This change was universal”)
“So...what you’re saying is that they changed everybody’s rate, regardless or their credit score or payment history or anything else…just because they felt like it?!?!”
“In November 2008, certain legislature was passed…”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was when I realized that I had just been anally raped by Shamerican Shmexpress.

So I told him, “You know, your company is just about the most soulless, money grubbing, evil organization that I’ve ever encountered. And that’s saying a lot.”

Which it is, considering WalMart and AIG and all those other scandalous jit-bag companies out there.

*pause
“Is there anything else I can help you with, ma’am?”

I wanted to say to him, “Yes, you can help me by giving me the name of the sumbitch who decided to increase my APR for no god-damn reason so I can hunt him down and butcher his wife and children in front of him”

But all I said was, “No, thanks.”
However, I DID sigh heavily for emphasis, if that counts.