Jugs

So, my good blogging buddy PorkStar, in all his wisdom, gave me the J.U.G.S. award on Friday.

At first I was surprised, because this B-cup here ain’t exactly known for her ample bosom, if you get my drift. (As I like to tell people, “hey, I’m proportional, dammit!”)

But upon closer inspection, apparently the J.U.G.S. award stands for Just Us GuyS. I’ll forgive the use of an end-letter in this acronym, just this once, because of the references to breasteses. And I loves me some boobies.

Was that a bi-curious reference? I’ll never tell…

So, Tapdancing In The Dark would like to give a big ole’ shout-out to PorkStar.
Much love. Much love.

Unfortunately, this award doesn’t come with rules, like most of the others do. There’s no “Share 10 things people don’t know about you,” or “post the 8th pic in your folder” action going on here.

In other words, I’m gonna need some filler.

I thought about posting a picture of my JUGS (in all their B-cup glory) in honor of this award, but let’s be honest; I’m a crazy Mo-Fo and all, but even I have my standards (I saw that! Don’t you roll your eyes at me!).

And then I thought about posting pictures of random JUGS found on the interwebz, but I suspect that my IT department may have some issues with me trolling the web for images of fun-bags.

They’re SUCH party poopers over there.

So, to fill out this post a little bit (and kill an hour of time), I’ll create a new rule for the J.U.G.S. award.
Can I do that?

Anyway, in honor of this award, I’ll post the Top 10 Reasons why I’m Just One of the GuyS.

Seems appropriate, right?
Right.

Here goes…

1. I drink beer.
This was clearly evidenced by my “You Had Me At Beer” post, where I detailed some of my favorite brewed beverages. Unlike a lot of women, I like beer. I take that back; I LOVE beer. I almost never turn down a cold one if it’s offered to me. And then guys always look at me like I’m awesome, because, well, I am. Likewise, if you ever find me with a Smirnoff Ice in my hand, you have my permission to break the bottle over my head, because I clearly need the sense knocked back into me.

2. I’m not easily offended.
I’ll be honest, it takes a lot to offend me. Go ahead and talk about the waitress’s attributes. Discuss masturbating techniques. Imply that you’ve slept with my mother. You’ll barely get an eyebrow raise from me. In fact, I’ll just as soon join you as be offended by you. I’ll praise the waitress’s ass, tell a funny masturbating story, and call my mom a street-walker (love you, mom). It’s all good here.

3. I’m low maintenance
I don’t need to wear gobs of makeup. I’m not afraid of getting my hair messed up. I don’t need a lobster dinner, a Gucci bag, or to be dropped off at the door. I’m also not afraid to sweat, work, or go dutch on dinner. Hell, if I like you, I might even cover the check. Apparently, there are a lot of, overly made up, helpless women out there who don’t feel the same way. These women do not deserve the J.U.G.S. award. They do, however, deserve to be left on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. [sidenote: That would be an awesome reality TV show. TELL me you wouldn't watch that shit...]

4. I love the outdoors
As a result of being low maintenance, I enjoy camping, hiking, backpacking, and any other outdoor activity you can throw at me. If I have to pee in the woods, then all the better. I’m happiest when I’m dirty, smelly, and physically exhausted (the people who have to smell me, however…not so much).

5. I have a potty mouth
Obviously.

6. I’ll go to a strip club
I have no problem accompanying a group of guys to a sleezy stip club. Hey, I’m as pro-feminism as the next gal, but if a woman is okay with shaking her booty for a little cash, then who am I to judge? So sure I’ll go along. Just don’t expect me to slip dollar bills into her thong or anything, because I’d rather spend my hard-earned dollars on other things (like beer).

7. I’ll kick your ass
It’s true! 20 years of horseback riding and 5 years of gym memberships have left me quite the little powerhouse. Don’t challenge me to a shoving contest, because I’ll take you down. I’ll take you down to China town.

8. I talk about my bodily functions
If I have to pee, I’ll tell you. Then, I’ll do the pee-pee dance until we find the appropriate venue for me to relieve myself. If you don’t like it, then don’t hang out with me. That’s all I’m sayin’…

9. I eat anything
When somebody says, “Oh I don’t eat [insert delicious food here],” I tend to look at them like they’re a science experiment gone horribly awry. I honestly can’t name a single thing I don’t eat. I don’t care what your excuse is – I don’t care if it’s unhealthy or has a funny texture or is against your religion. If you don’t eat it, then I feel bad for you. Trust me, you’re missing out. You need to either get over the texture, find a new religion, or start hitting the treadmill, because life is too short to not eat stuff. Period.

10. I hate women
Not all women. But I tend to dislike easily-offended, high-maintenance women, of which, it seems, there are plenty. Any women who isn’t capable of looking after herself while keeping an open mind to new ideas and people isn’t worth her weight in elephant dung, as far as I’m concerned. Call me a bitch if you want, but if you’re a woman with zero intellect who is more concerned with displaying the brand of her purse than pursuing higher aims, we are probably not going to be friends. In fact, I might make fun of you to your face. Go home and cry to your chihuahua . I don’t give a fuck.

So there you have it. 10 reasons why I’m worthy of the J.U.G.S. award.

Now I’m going to tag Carrie, Laura, Erin, Jeanette, and Emily with the J.U.G.S. award.
Have at it, ladies!