The Maiden Voyage of The Salty Wench: A Pirate Adventure

My friend Crystal moved in this weekend, and as part of her inauguration into our household, she was required to partake in a drunken canoe ride, which is the official pastime of our residence.

Of course, having just recently settled upon a name for the canoe – The Salty Wench – we felt that it would be appropriate to upgrade our trip from Drunken Canoe Ride to Pirate Adventure, the difference being in our liberal use of funny hats and pirate expressions such as “avast ye matey” and “hoist the longboat.”

Funny hat #1 (adventure hat plus headlamp for nighttime fun):

Funny hat #2: (bicycle helmet)

Oh, and don’t forget the Pirate Juice. No Pirate Adventure is complete without Pirate Juice.

So without further ado, allow me to present to you:

The Landlubber’s Guide to Pirate Adventureship on the High Seas: Codes of Conduct and Ethical Obligations (aarrggghhhh)

1. Beware strange ships that approach in the dark. But, if friendly they be, bring them along on yer Pirate Adventure.

As we stumbled onto the dock to begin our Pirate Adventure, there was a boat already in the water (even though it was 12:30am on Sunday morning). Turns out, it was the amicable young fellows who sometimes fish off of our dock. When they found out we were going on a Pirate Adventure, they happily joined (they had been “knocking back a few” as well, it turns out). They have names, but I prefer to think of them as “The Dudes.”

Here’s one Dude, holding their awesome “anchor”

Here’s the other Dude. I let him wear my hat, which is now long gone (but I’ll get to that later).

2. Long voyages are best weathered when you have a bit of the hair o’ the dog running through your veins.

I think the pictures speak for themselves.

3. Never hesitate to recruit new members.

We weren’t the only ones in a festive mood that night. We passed a log cabin that had several tents pitched out front and a lone man staggering around with a red solo cup in hand. We invited him on our Pirate Adventure but he declined, stating:

“I don’t have my sea legs. I have drunk legs.”

Another day, perhaps.

4. When yuh spot an island, it be best to come ashore and search for buried treasure (or to tinkle).

When it’s nighttime on the creek, the whole world is your bathroom. The guys had it easy, but us girls had to come ashore to pee. Obviously, I thought that was a fabulous idea.

5. When pillaging and plundering, take care not to flip yer vessle.

It’s possible that the boys might have pillaged a daycamp at 3:00 in the morning. Of course, to do this, one has to get out of the canoe. The Dudes found this difficult to do. One of them fell in, much to our enjoyment. And then, having run through the camp, The Dudes flipped their canoe entirely over trying to make a speedy get away (losing two fishing rods, a flashlight, and my hat). So The Dudes are in the water trying to flip the canoe right-side up and the camp counselors come out and start yelling at us. Not one of our finest moments, but pretty damn funny, regardless.

6. Flipping yer vessel is bad luck, for sure.

Making a hasty retreat from the disgruntled camp counselors, we underestimated our speed a bit. We hit The Dudes' canoe and it flipped.

Again.

Yes, it was still funny the second time ‘round. We don't have pictures; we were laughing too hard.

So, at 3:30 in the morning, we limped back to port with half our equipment gone and two very wet Dudes. It was agreed upon that despite these obstacles, the Pirate Adventure was a complete success. We let loose a triumphant “Huzzah” and agreed that this would be only the first of many voyages to come for The Salty Wench and her crew. We parted ways, vowing to avenge our honor at the camp at a future date.

The night ended with this classic Texts From Last Night moment when I drunk-texted my sister,

“Best drunk canoe nite ever! Made 2 friends and might have disrupted 300 kids at a daycamp!”

So yeah, as far as Pirate Adventures go, this was one for the record books.

Yo ho ho and a bottle o' rum!