Brraaiinnsss

So, the good news is that I’ve finished my 3 weeks of high-dose antibiotic therapy for my Lyme Disease.

The bad news is that my Lyme symptoms have made a triumphant return.

After 3 weeks of doxycycline, I shouldn’t have a living organism left in my body (or in a 3-foot radius). I should be the most sterile mother-f*cker in the world right now, bitches!

And yet…36 hours after discontinuing my antibiotics, I was already getting the Lyme Ick again. I tried to write it off on a bad nights’ sleep. Then I tried to write it off on the massive hangover I received after our Saturday night Pirate Adventure. But as I was trying (and failing) to jump a 3.5-foot course on a 2,000-pound horse last night, I had to recognize that I was, in fact, just not feeling well.

Again.

As in, Lyme treatment FAIL.

Seriously? Are you freaking kidding me?!?

So, I did some research.

As it turns out, some people believe that Lyme can easily become a chronic, debilitating disease capable of neurologic and cardiac destruction of massive proportions. There are research articles to back this up.

Other people believe that Lyme is an easily treated bacterial infection, and that “Chronic Lyme” is a phantom disease made up by hypochondriacs. There are also research articles to back this up.

In other words, nobody really knows A) if Chronic Lyme really exists, and B) if it is a legitimate illness, how the hell to treat it.

Personally, I think this situation is re-goddamn-diculous. How, in the year of our lord 2009, can it be that we’re still debating the presence of an illness?
Where are the tests, people?!? What the heck have the scientists been doing all this time?!?

As my mother pointed out, since there is no treatment that is approved specifically for Lyme, other than generic antibiotics, there are therefore no big pharmaceutical companies to fund research.

Whatever (stop trying to be a know-it-all, mom, and get back to doing what you do best: buying me presents).

All I know is I feel like shit, which makes me either an innocent victim of an insidious bacterial infection or a raving lunatic, depending on who you talk to.

Look. If I’m a psycho hypochondriac and this is all in my head, I’m okay with it. I’m also equally okay with having a chronic bacterial infection that likely to have significant impact on my quality of life henceforward. I’d just like to know for sure what my deal is so I can come to terms with my illness, be it mental or physical, and get on with my life.

Is that really so much to ask?

In the meantime, I think I have a theory as to why this issue is so hotly debated. I mean, they have a Lyme test, but do they have a Zombie Lyme test?

Having taken such massive doses of antibiotics, I have no doubt that the Lyme bacteria in my system were killed (along with half of my organs).

Since I am now experiencing symptoms again, isn’t it possible, just possible, that these bacteria have come rejuvenated into some sort of un-dead zombie-like form?

And if this is the case, that I am in fact infested with Zombie Lyme bacteria, should I be concerned about some sort of migration of these Zombie bacteria up through my cerebrospinal fluid and into my brain?

Because if zombies eat brains, then wouldn’t Zombie Bacteria eat brains too?

Discuss...

And in the meantime...
Scientists: I’m going to need you to look in to developing some sort of Zombie Lyme enzyme immunoassay of immunoglobulin G testing method. And then I'm gonna need you to find a way to re-kill these fuckers. Because if I’m right, then as we’re speaking, millions of Zombie Bacteria are staggering to my brain in true un-dead fashion to feast on my frontal lobe.

And this concerns me.