5 Thing I'm Telling You You Need To Know About Swine Flu

I stumbled across this article yesterday. Of course, it wasn't difficult to stumble upon considering that SWINE FLU is the biggest thing to hit the news since that crazy lady sang I Dream A Dream on "Britain's Got Skillz" or whatever that show is called.

The article, of course, is called Swine Flu: 5 Things You Need to Know About the Outbreak


OhMySweetJesus, don't even get me started on this crap. If I hear one more person freaking out about swine flu, I'm going to remind them that they have bigger problems to worry about - like me punching them in the face. And then...I'm going to punch them in the face.

They'll never see it coming.

My rebuttal to this completely straight-forward and not-at-all-alarmist article on swine flu, aka EVIL MEGA-VIRUS OF INSTANT DEATH AND ETERNAL SUFFERING, is this:

Swine Flu: 5 Thing I'm Telling You You Need To Know About The Outbreak, Bitch* (NOW GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH**)

*I added the extra “bitch” on the end of that to let people that I’m in control of the situation, and they need not be alarmed. I like to reassure the masses like that. It’s just my style.

**I added the "go make me a sandwich" part because I'm hungry and verbally abusive.

Moving along…

Swine Flu: 5 Thing I'm Telling You You Need To Know About The Outbreak, Bitch (NOW GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH)

1. Is this a flu pandemic?

Yes, yes it is. Because cases have surfaced in Mexico, the US, Canada, France, Hong Kong, New Zealand, and Spain, it is safe to assume that within a 1-week period, every man, woman, and child on the face of this earth will be infected with swine flu. None will be spared. Although governments world-wide will recommend the use of masks and duct-tape over windows, these measures will be useless against this virus that, although seemingly unremarkable compared to other types of influenza viruses, will probably mutate into an ultimate mega-death virus of hell that will lay waste to humanity. Don’t be fooled by the fact that only 23 out of 6.7 billion people on this planet have died from swine flu – that’s still a lot of people. That’s, like, a classroom full of kids. And as I stated, it is inevitable that all of them will likely succumb to this virus in an agonizing death of fever, mild body-aches, and maybe a runny nose.

2. What will happen if this outbreak gets classified as a pandemic?

First of all, I already told you that the swine flu is a pandemic, so you're obviously not paying attention and will most likely die in a matter of hours. Second of all, a better question would be, “what WON’T happen if this outbreak gets classified as a pandemic?”. The short answer is that you will die. I cannot stress this enough.
The long answer is that as the virus spreads, society will end as we know it. You will wake up alone in a hospital bed after suffering a concussion from a messenger bike accident. The hospital will be empty, as will the streets. Cars will be parked haphazardly with their doors open, and flyers identifying family members will be blown in a cold wind of despair. You will wander aimlessly until you encounter a pack of infected humans and narrowly escape with the help of a few new friends who, somehow, have remained uninfected. You will then team up with these friends on a long voyage out of the city and into the country, where the infected individuals are less likely to be. Or so you think. The country is, in fact, infested with these individuals, but as luck would have it, you avoid them and manage to be saved by a small collection of National Guardsmen. The National Guardsmen will then take you to an old estate that they have set up as a base-camp, and you will believe that you are safe until you find out that they have plans for repopulating the earth with the female members of your group. Escape seems impossible. Luckily, a member of your party who was taken away to be executed has gotten away alive and is coming back to save you. He will release infected humans into the encampment to destroy the National Guardsmen while you and your group escape deeper into the country to wait out the deaths of the infected humans. You will sew large banners alerting airplanes of your presence and wear ugly sweaters. All will be well.

And then you will die. Again, I can’t stress this enough. You will die.

3. Why have the US cases been so much milder than the ones in Mexico?

Because we are bad-ass Americans. Because we have Miller Lite and Nascar and shoot guns and put huge racks of lights on the top of our off-roading vehicles so that we can drink Miller Lite and shoot guns in the dark. Because we are the home of Chuck Norris and Mr. T and LL Cool J. Because These Colors Don’t Run. Because we have super-sized meals and extra-large SUVs and giant stores called Wal-Mart that sell everything you need and want and don’t need and don’t want and then some. Because we eat hot-wings with the EXTRA hot sauce. Because we celebrate our independence with meat and fire and explosives. Because we don’t let our gays marry. Because we have reality TV.

For all of these reasons and more, US cases of swine flu have been much milder than the ones in Mexico.

4. How ready is the US – and the world – to respond to a flu pandemic?

In response to this flu pandemic, the US has gotten in its car and quickly driven to the nearest grocery store, where it has purchased large amounts of milk, bread, and batteries. The US also got the last case of Poland Spring and managed to scrape together a few candles. So, in other words, pretty freaking ready. The rest of the world can suck it.

5. How scared should we be?

Be afraid. Be very afraid. You will likely be witness to the end of society as we know it before succumbing to a plague of locust, fire and brimstone hailing from the skies, and a 3-day Hanna Montana concert. You will likely become infected from swine flu, at which point your intestines will turn to goop that will leak from your orifices like runny tapioca pudding. Your limbs will fall off, one by one, and what’s left of your head, neck, torso, and midsection will be covered by pustules that will burst, attracting vermin to feast on your still-living body. Unable to fend them off, you will die of suffocation as thousands of rats descend on your corpse. There will be nobody to hear you scream.

But don’t panic – we have things under control.

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