I'm Going To Be A Millionaire!!!!!

I'm having a little chat with this Laarnie Enriquez chick:

[Email correspondence, received April 20, 2009]

neGreeting From Laarnie .E. Enriquez!!!
Assalaamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatahu"
Hello,
I am Madam Laarni Enriquez, a native of Filipino nationality, and a divorcee. I would like to have a long lasting and confidant relationship with you, if possible entrusting my life time fortune into your possession, as now I am broken hearted and needs someone to trust, without remembering my past and forsaken experiences from close confidants and family. I need someone, who would take me for whom I am and as a life time partner, after making claims of my deposited life. Well, from your profile, I believe in me that you ought to be a very honest person.

I would like to give you a brief description of my life. I was once the mistress of our President, Joseph Estrada, and during his tenure in office, I was been used as a courier to depositing his funds, but due to the fracas I had with his wife, Madam Loi and her son, Jude, it causes a public embarrasement and people came to know that I had been having an affair with the President.

But, not quite long, I was arrested, together with his wife and son in connection with the 27th July, 2003, failed coup, which I did not have anything to do with, but was alleged that I have been habouring some of the dessident and arms in one of the villa, bought for me by the president. Now, I have been released and I am under security watch and seriously monitored. All, I wanted from you is to assist me make claims of some funds, I did deposited Belfast UK, As the other deposits documents have been consficated and seized by the government of Madam Gloria, the President. But this one is the only one they could not see, as I did kept the documents with one of my close confidant, who was also arrested.

The Amount being deposited is much about 20.2 million Euros, as this was the money that was supposed to be used by the President to aquires ome properties in America, Europe and All, I want from you, now is honesty and sincerity, As soon as this money is claimed by you, I will look for a way out and sneaked out of Filipina and travel down to meet you, So we can go into a life time partnership together investing this money in your country or anywhere else you prefer. Your's Sincerely,
Madam Laarni .E. Enriquez.


[Response, sent by myself on April 21, 2009]

Dear madam Laarni .E. Enriquez

Greetings to you as well. I have to be honest, I wasn’t sure what “Assalaamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatahu” meant, so I had to google it. When spelled correctly (not to criticize your writing, but I’m an editor, so I pick up on these things. Plus, Google pointed it out), it means “Peace be upon you and Allah’s mercy and blessing,” right? Well, thanks. I’m not really sure if I believe in Allah, but if he exists, I can assure you, I could probably use his mercy and blessings. That’s super!

Thank you for trusting me without having ever even met me—that’s huge on your part. I’m definitely up to the task, and I think my friends would consider me a pretty trustworthy gal, but why don’t I tell you a little about myself, just to make you feel even better about our potential relationship. My name is Lily and I’m a 27 year old Capricorn. I work as a medical writer, and in my free time I like horseback riding, hiking, and turning in political prisoners. Ha ha, I’m kidding about that last one. No, seriously, I’ve never ratted out a political prisoner before, so you can rest easy. I also like to read and paint, although I’m not very good at it.

There is one thing I need to clarify, though—I’m not gay. You mentioned in your letter that we would be life-time partners, and I figure it’s probably just a lost-in-translation kind of thing, but in America, “life-partner” kind of means you’re in a homosexual relationship with someone. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But I have a boyfriend and am almost 100% confident that I’m a one-team player, if you know what I mean. So, just a word of advice—when you come to visit, don’t call someone your life-partner unless you’re doing the sideways mambo with them. People will get the wrong idea, trust me on that.

It sucks that you were arrested for something you didn’t do. One time in third grade, I got a detention for sticking a pencil through a girl’s hand (long story), even though it was Jason Katoula’s fault, not mine. It was so unfair! And that was only a detention, so I can’t imagine how pissed you must have bee for getting wrongfully imprisoned. BTW, have you considered a lawsuit? I don’t know how it works in your country, but in America, you can sue for that type of shit. Just something to consider…

But anyway, yeah, you definitely have a problem on your hands. And, wow, I am flattered that you are willing to entrust your life-time fortune with me. Seriously, that’s awesome and I won’t let you down. So how do we get started? How do I claim the 20.2 million Euros? Do I actually have to fly to Europe or can we do this in America? What’s the process like? And once we’ve gotten the cash, what do you want to do with it? To be honest, I’m not much of an investor (my 401k confuses me, lol), but I’m sure we’ll figure it out. I’ve heard that Mutual Funds are a good market to get into, have you heard anything about that? Maybe we could invest in, like, a restaurant or something. That would be so cool. We could call it “Laarni and Lily’s Restaurant.”
I dunno, I’m just throwing it out there. You can throw it right back if you don’t like it.

Anyway, we can talk about that more when you get here. I can’t wait, I’m so excited! Oh, and just a warning, I have a cat and two dogs, so I hope you like animals. They’re very friendly. Also, I’ll need to know when you’re planning on coming over, so I can request vacation off of work. Wait…what am I talking about? We’re going to be millionaires! I’ll probably quit my job as soon as we recover the funds, duh.

Okay, so, I’m really looking forward to hearing from you, and I can’t wait ‘till you come to America. We have some really cool stuff here. Do you like hot wings? Anyway, yeah, definitely let me know what we have to do next to get this money and HAVE SOME FUN! I’m totally psyched.
TTYL
-Lily